Home Study # and paradigm shift

Wednesday was our first Home Study appointment. We like the woman doing our home study - she seems very nice and down to earth. It was about 2 hours and 20 minutes - mostly of answering questions and then a quick walk through of the house. Our home inspection will actually be done by the county. Next Wednesday we both have individual interviews that last 1 and 1/2 to 2 hours each!!

Some questions were to be expected and nothing surprising. Why we want to adopt, why now, etc. but then there were some weird ones that we had to think about. Like what chores we would expect a child to do... since we are looking in such a young age range we haven't thought about those types of specifics so we had to wing it based on our thoughts and experiences. We had a family in Chicago who we had babysat a bunch for including a 6 day stay with the 3 kids who were home schooled so that immersion helped us with ideas and thoughts.

We were so nervous before she came it was funny. I don't think either of us expected to be so nervous. We were pacing around and every time we heard a car door we would say - I think she's here. It was almost humorous (looking back on it).

The hardest thing was the questions that I felt guilty about... We were encouraged throughout the training to be brutally honest about what we are willing to "deal with" as far as problems - emotional, mental, physical etc. But still felt guilty in saying that for our first child we are not open to anything extreme - such as medical problems that would involve being in the hospital or at the doctor all the time and nothing extreme behaviorally - feces on the wall etc... The reality of adopting from the system is that no matter how well adjusted and healthy your child might seem initially and no matter how well you do with raising & living them there could be so many problems that don't show up for years... until they are 5, 10 even 15... I want to figure out the basic parenting thing first!! There is a lot of control you have to let go off. You may or may not know the circumstances and history of the child and you just have to run with it.

The hardest part by far is our continuing realization that we have to radically change our entire mindsets. MAJOR paradigm shift. The reality is that if we want a younger child we will have to be "foster-to-adopt" parents and may have several children/babies in and out of our home before one is permanently placed. These would be "legal risk" kids where parental rights haven't been terminated yet. So we could keep getting kids that we will have to consider foster children but I am sure we won't be able to stop the thoughts and wondering about whether this will be our child. It could be months in our home and then the parents could get their rights back... In most cases we would have to bring the child to JeffCo HS in Golden for visitations with the parents(s)/family. So it will be a careful learning process to attach just enough as caregivers but not too much!

I always imagined/pictured the transition to parenthood would be more logical - when our child is placed I take my 6 weeks maternity leave, maybe or maybe not some unpaid time off/vacation time and then transition back in to the work world. Instead I will still be working and sometimes having a kid and sometimes not and figuring out child care that falls within the regulations. If I didn't have to work full time this would be easier to imagine navigating but for now the reality is full time work.... not quite sure how it will all work.

So at times I am overwhelmed by all this, at other times don't think about it too much and at still other times I am impatient for our child to be here! It's an exciting and unique journey and I look forward to the day when we have Baby Reitsma home for good!... Crazy to think about how he/she may already be alive, might not be born yet... might not even be conceived yet... Looking forward to knowing more!

Sharing meals with each other...

I was reading on Jarrett's / Soul City Church’s blog about sharing intentional meals and it reminded me of a series we did at The Journey a few months back and so I just pasted in my communion intro from that day here. Reading Jarrett's blog was a great reminder of this concept...

..........One of my favorite authors of all time is Henri Nouwen and he did a lot of writing about the practice of sharing meals together -- I want to read a few of his passages to you… but first I want to give you a little information about him to give you an idea of the very real life that his writings come from…
.........Henri was a catholic priest who spent almost 20 years teaching at places including Harvard and Yale. However, he was invited by a friend to go to France to visit a community where people with developmental disabilities live and share life together with those who care for them. It’s not a place where people go to work and care for those who have disabilities and then go home at night. But it’s actually a place where they all live together and share all of the activities of daily living. Henri was so profoundly impacted by his experience visiting this community that in 1986 he actually moved to Toronto Canada - to join into one of these same type of communities – and he stayed there the rest of his life – living daily with developmentally disabled people. Some of his most profound writings come from the ways his life and spirituality was shaped while living there.

One of the areas he addresses in his writings are the intimacy of the table – the intimacy of sharing meals together… He says…
.....The table is one of the most intimate places in our lives. It is there that we give ourselves to one another. When we say, "Take some more, let me serve you another plate, let me pour you another glass, don't be shy, enjoy it," we say a lot more than our words express. We invite our friends to become part of our lives. We want them to be nurtured by the same food and drink that nurture us. We desire communion. That is why a refusal to eat and drink what a host offers is so offensive. It feels like a rejection of an invitation to intimacy.
Strange as it may sound, the table is the place where we want to become food for one another. Every breakfast, lunch, or dinner can become a time of growing communion with one another.

He expands on the concept of the table being a place for intimacy when he also points out the vulnerability that goes along with it… Henri has a writing called… The Barometer of Our Lives – in it he says…
.....Although the table is a place for intimacy, we all know how easily it can become a place of distance, hostility, and even hatred. Precisely because the table is meant to be an intimate place, it easily becomes the place we experience the absence of intimacy. The table reveals the tensions among us. When husband and wife don't talk to each other, when a child refuses to eat, when brothers and sisters bicker, when there are tense silences, then the table becomes hell, the place we least want to be.
.....The table is the barometer of family and community life. Let's do everything possible to make the table the place to celebrate intimacy.

My encouragement for us is... don't make it too difficult or complicated for yourself. Like Michael said -- It can be as simple as meeting somewhere for coffee or for dessert… but even when you think about sharing a meal with people at your house… Don’t get overwhelmed with thinking about it…

I know when I think of having people over for a meal, it immediately stresses me out. I worry about what I can make that they’ll like, worry about making something they’ll hate, worry about when I’m going to have time, worry about how I really need to clean the house… and about 85 other things. But let’s not let that prevent us from taking the chance to share meals together. It’s more important for me to spend time with people over a meal than isolating because my house is a mess…

A few months ago Jadey and Angela invited us over for dinner – and we had an awesome pizza that they picked up from Papa Murphy’s. That was a great time for us and didn’t require hours of preparation for them. From our side – I can say we appreciated the chance to hang out with them. It kind of gave us a new freedom in our thinking as well – the realization that having people over for a meal doesn’t have to be some big undertaking… they might just really enjoy a garlic chicken pizza from Papa Murphy's…

A former pastor named David Hall wrote this on his blog… “We can so easily forget that an ample serving of a single simple dish — a stew or a casserole — would be a sign of abundant wealth to millions of people in the world. Our decor does not need to be stunning; all the place settings do not even need to match.”

On the other hand – I know that for some people – they enjoy the whole production… you enjoy picking out the recipes, shopping for the food – making up a beautiful table setting and presentation… and more power to you!!!! Seriously. Make it authentic to who you are… that’s what makes it beautiful.
..........For example… unless we are having breakfast at noon or 5pm… I will probably never be inviting any of you over for breakfast – because I am SO not a morning person. I can’t think of who said this but one of my favorite quotes says this… Hell, is other people at breakfast. I couldn’t agree more…

What I propose for each of us - and what encourage each of you to consider is this... that it’s not just about the meal, about the food, the table setting…. What you have to offer in the way of food and drink is great but I think what we really have to offer to each other at meals is the gift of our presence… I believe that the table is more of a setting... More of a vehicle to get us somewhere... I think of the table as a tool because...

It’s really about us being fully present in the moment. We need to really listen to the people that are there with us – not just hearing their voices and the content of their words – but concentrating on hearing their stories…. What are the feelings people are trying to communicate? – underneath the words…. What are their real needs?

Meals can be a unique time at which - We can offer the gift of ourselves and our lives… At times this means we need to share our stories and our hearts with each other… I think that’s a way we can offer God to each other. You may share with someone a story of how God has shown up in your life, and there may be something in that - that God wanted to communicate to your guest. I know that I have been encouraged by stories of how God has worked in other people’s lives… or, just being honest about where you are struggling with seeing God in your life… I’ve also felt encouraged in knowing that I’m not the only one that has those struggles…

We should look beyond the basic physical needs that people bring… people bring with them to our tables whatever their underlying needs are…. Let’s try to figure them out and do what we can to serve each other... Someone might just need a chance to relax – they may just need to sit at a table with you and just enjoy a meal, and laugh with you… they might just need a time where they can disengage from hard things going on in their lives…

At other times… our guests might need someone to really dig into their lives. Maybe they need someone to ask them the deeper probing questions… what’s reeeeally going on in your life? How are you reeeeally doing? We can offer the gift of open hearts and listening ears to each other…

Now - we are going to a time of communion – which is one of the most well known shared meals in the bible… patterned after the last meal Jesus had with his disciples…

Henri Nouwen also talks about the connection between shared meals and the eucharist… in a writing titled… Jesus Gives Himself to Us
.....When we invite friends for a meal, we do much more than offer them food for their bodies. We offer friendship, fellowship, good conversation, intimacy and closeness. When we say, “Help Yourself…take some more…don’t be shy…have another glass,” we offer our guests not only our food and drink but also ourselves. A spiritual bond grows, and we become food and drink for one another.
.....In the most complete and perfect way, this happens when Jesus gives himself to us in the Eucharist as food and drink. By offering us his Body and Blood, Jesus offers us the most intimate communion possible. It is a divine communion.

Communion will look a little different today – it is set up on a table in the worship room which is in the back there…
..........You are welcome to just take the bread and dip it into the wine or juice that is at the head of the table as you enter… and take communion there… or feel free to actually have a seat at the table in the spirit of a real meal and take communion at any one of the seats.
..........The worship team is going to lead us in several songs so you can take your time and not feel pressured to rush through communion…

The table is ready… please go whenever you are prepared.

Looking forward... a new chapter!

So, I know it's been a while. And I don't blog often... I miss it but at the same time life goes flying by, big spurts at a time and I think about blogging but never take the time and concentration required.

Anyhow... right now I am in a good place. Typically I blog when I'm in a difficult place but this is a different, and good feeling. Over the next approximately 6 months my life will change in so many ways. There is so much going on, on the horizon. Some I can share now and some not. But basically an entire new chapter of life is starting... really, an entire new era of life is starting.

I am getting to be more involved in things I am passionate about... more time, more depth, more commitment but it's exciting rather than draining.

I stopped hanging on to the hope that passion for my job would come eventually and it's been great. Being able to acknowledge that this is not the long term job for me has been refreshing and freeing. I really hoped as I gained experience and confidence I would find a passion in this niche... but I haven't and that's ok. I care for the girls and this population but not on a full time basis! Working in such a ridiculously dysfunctional place contributes to the exhaustion and frustration.

Adoption is moving forward slowly but surely. Background processes are in check, recommendations in I think... etc. So, it's going to happen eventually!

So, there's just a lot of excitement and passion looking forward. This will carry me through the job and work environment... hope -- it's SO important!

Amazing long weekend trip to the Western Slope!

Mark and I had an awesome trip last Thursday through Sunday out to the Western Slope. We had never been out there except to drive through on the way to Vegas. Since Reb & Bob were getting married out there we made a (camping) trip of it. It was incredible! There were SO many amazing spots and experiences.

Here are just a few pics... I maybe took over 300 :) -- You can click on any of them to see a bigger version...

Rifle Falls were amazing! They are 80 feet (8 stories) high!

Up behind the falls, getting soaked.

The Maroon Bells - one of the most beautiful places I have ever been!!! We spent a whole day hiking up to Crater Lake and back... It was some hard hiking especially since we managed to get lost off trail somehow!

Hiking up to Crater Lake... what a view...

Finally at Crater Lake where we stopped for lunch...

Hays Creek Falls south of Redstone - thanks to the advice of Shay...

These are the Hot Springs Pools in Glenwood Springs... we had such a relaxing time in them. It was so weird because it smelled like chlorine but was saltwater tasting. Pretty much like the biggest hot tub in the world!

View from one of our campsites. Amazing.

On the long, steep hike up to Hanging Lake.

Hanging Lake made the hike worth it.

Spouting Rock up near Hanging Lake.

Why it's called Spouting Rock...

On the way back down from Hanging Lake...

WONDERFUL vacation!

Unrealistic, impossible expectations... love 'em.

I feel like I never blog anymore until I am just miserable -- so, here's me committing to writing a positive blog soon! :) But right now, I am beyond frustrated, overwhelmed, angry, sad... I can't remember the last time I was so angry. I am almost scaring myself since in general I'm not angry so I don't have to figure out how to deal with my anger without snapping out on someone or throwing things. I feel (justifiably I think) targeted and scapegoated and like I was put in an impossible position and not trained and then zinged when I didn't do things right... No matter what extent I go to - to avoid a problem situation it's never enough. Even when I think I have gone above and beyond to cover a situation it is STILL not enough! I certainly have not been perfect and don't claim to have been but there is a difference between making a minor mistake that you didn't even know you were making and knowingly doing shit wrong.

WELL. If you don't tell me how to do something right, I'm SORRY but how in the hell am I supposed to do what you want me to. Am I psychic? Can I read your mind? Can I refer to the instruction book or manual that DOESN'T exist? Can I make sure that a form is completed when I have never heard of it? How can I know to make sure something is in someone's file when I have NEVER heard of it? How do I complete something correctly when I was NEVER trained to???

Then: You tell me - make up your mind right away, don't hem and haw, just make a decision and if it's wrong you can just change it later... you need to look confident in front of the girls...
Now: You tell me - Don't do anything, or make any kind of decision without asking.

Then: You tell me - You shouldn't be expected to do certain things that are the responsibility of other staff members. You need to stop doing them...
Now: You tell me - It's just part of your job to do those things. I'm going to insinuate that you are being snotty for not doing them.

Then: You tell me - Here's your on the job training, learn from the sr. staff...
Now: You tell me - What you learned from the sr. staff and have been doing for 3 years is wrong and it's YOUR fault that you didn't know it.

Then: You tell me (not in words) - here do your new job plus your old one for 10 weeks with no overtime pay, you will not have your own office so will have to find places to see your clients, you won't have your own computer so you'll have to try and find a free one and save all of your files on your own flash drive which of course you shouldn't have anyhow b/c of HIPAA, even though you asked 3 times for the supposed manual that no one has ever seen we're not giving it to you, however we WILL expect you to be psychic and learn all of the procedures and nuances even though they aren't written down anywhere...
Now: You tell me (not in words) - you have done 8500 things wrong and so you are in the spotlight, we are going to be veeeery busy scapegoating all over you b/c God forbid we admit we have some very serious systemic problems and they are manifesting in your life. Tough shit on you if you are not perfect b/c you are perfect to take the blame. It is your responsibility to make sure every person before you did their job - don't assume they did what they were supposed to - it's clearly your fault if someone that has had the job for years and years before you didn't do their job well and you inherited their half ass job - and BTW you better keep up on everything and be fucking perfect while you are at it.

HOWEVER, though I know I sound like a whiny baby and very negative -- my soul was ministered to by this song tonight and I am committed to the lyrics and what they stand for. I WILL praise Him in this storm, the same as I would during the positive times when it's easy to... My help DOES come from the Lord and I WILL lift my eyes to the hills...

"Praise You In This Storm"
I was sure by now
God, You would have reached down
And wiped our tears away
Stepped in and saved the day
But once again, I say "Amen",
and it's still raining

As the thunder rolls
I barely hear Your whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

And I'll praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
For You are who You are No matter where I am

And every tear I've cried
You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when
I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to you
And you raised me up again

My strength is almost gone
How can I carry on
If I can't find You
But as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
And as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise the God who gives
And takes away

I lift my eyes unto the hills
Where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord
The Maker of Heaven and Earth

Glances toward God...

We've been doing a series at church for quite a while now about the Jesus Creed - which is, in short "Love God, Love Others" And in looking at the 'Love God' part we talked about Practicing His Presence and some of what we have learned from Brother Lawrence... Some thoughts on that...

Brother Lawrence was a monk that lived in France in the 17^th century. Midway through his life, he entered a monastery in Paris where he was assigned to work in the kitchen every day for fifteen years.What ended up happening was that many people came to seek him out for guidance and wisdom because of the unique way that he lived and viewed his work. In fact, the wisdom that he passed on to others in conversations and in letters, were later put together in this book, The Practice of the Presence of God which was compiled after he died by those that he inspired.

What was unique about Brother Lawrence was that -- Instead of viewing his assignment as a cook at the monastery in a negative or self-pitying manner he sought to live each moment practicing the presence of God. Brother Lawrence felt that everything we do, no matter how mundane or routine, can be a form of loving God. He said: "I began to live as if there were no one save God and me in the world." Together, God and Brother Lawrence cooked meals, ran errands, scrubbed pots, and endured the scorn of the world.

Brother Lawrence felt that even the most mundane tasks should be done with the intention of loving God. He said “…We ought not to be weary of doing little things for the love of God, who regards not the greatness of the work, but the love with which it is performed.” He also said that: It is not important “that we should have great things to do. We can do little things for God; I turn the cake that is frying on the pan for love of him, and that done, if there is nothing else to call me, I… worship before him, who has given me grace to work… It is enough for me to pick up but a straw from the ground for the love of God."

It was said that, Brother Lawrence had found such wonder in walking in the presence of God, that it was natural for him to recommend it earnestly to others; but his example was a stronger incentive than any arguments he could propose. His very countenance was edifying; such a sweet and calm devotion appearing in it, as could not but affect the beholders. And it was observed, that in the greatest hurry of business in the kitchen, he still preserved his recollection and heavenly-mindedness. He was never hasty nor loitering, but did each thing in its season, with an even, uninterrupted composure and tranquility of spirit.

It’s a beautiful picture to me – when I hear about Brother Lawrence and imagine seeing him… I imagine how it would be to seek to love God moment by moment in my life… to slow down and be present in the mundane details and aware of God’s presence there.

There’s a way that Brother Lawrence suggested we could use to grow in loving God. He used the term “little interior glances”… He recommended that we begin, end and perform our daily activities with an "interior glance" toward God. An “interior glance” is a glance of love toward God. A look Godward when we are in the middle of our life-absorbed minds. It can be a moment of remembering, noticing or seeking God’s presence.

It might be that you simply acknowledge God is there… not even using words, just a thought, you might say a short prayer – Thank you, help me! or I love you, you might change the way you are acting in the moment due to your interior glance toward God.... It’s just a matter of working in those interior glances toward God to our lives.

We can use some of what we learn from Brother Lawrence to help us as we seek to Love God more. Here's an exercise we used pre-communion at church... Picture in your head a scene from your ordinary everyday life… a scene that is common and familiar to you. It might be… a typical weekday morning and all of the preparations that have to happen for you to start your day, a typical work day, a normal school day, running errands, cleaning the house or the yard, visiting with friends… there are many to choose from. Keep the picture in your head and as you think of this scene think about how you can use “little interior glances”… in those moments to grow in your love for God.

Maybe each time you brush your teeth, you see yourself in the mirror and you consider how you and others were made in God’s image.

Maybe each time you leave the house, you ask God to help you live out The Jesus Creed.

Maybe each time you eat, you pause to consider how God continues to provide for you.

Maybe each time you change a diaper, you consider the wonder of God as your parent…

Maybe each time you turn on your computer in the morning, you just take a second to remember God is there with you.

Maybe each time you lay down to sleep you think about one of God’s amazing characteristics.

I just love the different ways we can grow and move forward in our journeys to better Love God and Love Others... I have been trying to include more glances toward God... acknowledging His presence throughout my days lately.

Missing my Dad. How has it been 1 year already?

Dad's Guest Book is Online Here

Dad dancing with my Grandma at Chris' wedding in 2006.

Robert "Bob" Ihrman - wonderful Dad, husband, son, brother, neighbor, friend, coworker...

I can't believe it's been a whole year since my Dad died. The last recorded activity on his computer was at about 2am in Pittsburgh... so about midnight here...

He went to sleep that night after working on some of the music he was recording and composing with a friend and never woke up. When I got to Pittsburgh about 24 hours after I got the call it all looked normal... his computer was on with water in his glass and his cigarettes right there... just the way it was when he went to bed. His briefcase was in the dining room where he always left it... the car in the driveway... Except for his physical presence in the house it was totally normal. Which made it so much harder to accept and believe.

That was probably the worst phone call I've ever received in my life. It threw my world and the happy little plans I had for my life and future totally awry. You just live oblivious and assume that people will be there... that my kids will know their Grandfather, that we would take trips to Pittsburgh with our kids and stay at my childhood home for holidays etc. Instead in about 2 months of him dying I was saying goodbye to my childhood home, abruptly and forever and last Friday when I dropped off our adoption paperwork it will be for a child that will never meet their Grandfather. In June when my nephew is born, he will never know his Grandfather either. So sad.

Tonight we're picking up mom and going over to my brothers' to grill out steak & have some fries & beer in honor of my Dad. I Love you Dad & wish you were here!
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I am Brennan Manning! well, not literally...

I just read the intro to Brennan Manning's book Abba's Child again and I realized how INCREDIBLY similar his journey has been to mine. It's long but I resonate SO deeply with so many parts of it.

Here's some of it:

"As the days passed, I realized that I had not been able to feel anything since I was eight years old. A traumatic experience at that time shut down my memory for the next nine years and my feelings for the next five decades.

When I was eight, the imposter, or false self, was born as a defense against pain. The imposter within whispered, "Brennan, don't ever be your real self anymore, because nobody likes you as you are. Invent a new self that everybody will admire and nobody will know." So I became a good boy---polite, well mannered, unobtrusive, and deferential. I studied hard, scored excellent grades, won a scholarship in high school, and was stalked every waking moment by the terror of abandonment and the sense that nobody was there for me.

I learned that perfect performance brought the recognition and approval I desperately sought. I orbited into an unfeeling zone to keep fear and shame at a safe distance. As my therapist remarked, "All these years there has been a steel trapdoor covering your emotions and denying you access to them." Meanwhile, the imposter I presented for public inspection was nonchalant and carefree.

The great divorce between my head and my heart endured throughout my ministry. For eighteen years I proclaimed the good news of God's passionate, unconditional love--utterly convicted in my head but not feeling it in my heart. I never felt loved.

On the tenth day of my mountain retreat my tears erupted into sobbing. As Michael O Shaughnessy likes to say, "Often breakdowns lead to breakthroughs." (Much of my callousness and invulnerability has come through my refusal to mourn the loss of a soft word and a tender embrace.) Blessed are those who weep and mourn. As I drained the cup of grief, a remarkable thing happened: In the distance I heard music and dancing. I was the prodigal son limping home, not a spectator, but a participant. The imposter faded, and I was in touch with my true self as the returned child of God. My yearning for praise and affirmation receded.

It used to be that I never felt safe with myself unless I was performing flawlessly. Tyrannized by an all-or-nothing mentality, I interpreted weakness as mediocrity and inconsistency as a loss of nerve. I dismissed compassion and self-acceptance as inappropriate responses. My jaded perception of personal failure and inadequacy led to a loss of self-esteem, triggering episodes of mild depression and heavy anxiety.

This last paragraph I desire to become fully realized in my life:

But on that radiant morning in a cabin hidden deep in the Colorado Rockies, I came out of hiding. Jesus removed the shroud of perfectionist performance and now, forgiven and free, I ran home. For I knew that I knew Someone was there for me. Gripped in the depth of my soul, tears streaming down my cheeks, I internalized and finally felt all the words I have written and spoken about stubborn, unrelenting Love. That morning I understood that the words are but straw compared to the Reality. I leaped from simply being the teacher of God's love to becoming Abba's delight. I said goodbye to feeling frightened and said shalom to feeling safe."

I continue to work on the coming out of hiding and throwing off that shroud of perfectionistic performance... I have come a LONG way but have a ways to go! I deeply, deeply desire to internalize and finally feel all the words I have written and spoken about stubborn, unrelenting Love!

(yes, I still hate the caucasian Jesus pictures...

but these work for what I am thinking / feeling...)

Toyotas are AWESOME!

How many people ever get to see this on their odometer!?!?

Just a thought.

Tolerance, coexistence and love

does not require endorsement.

Remembering Columbine... 10 years later...

I laughed at the people that said they teared up... and then I teared up! beautiful...

AMAZING performance!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d-KiGva9dV4

He is risen indeed!

"Where, O death, is your victory?
Where, O death, is your sting?"
- I Cor. 15:55

Happy 65th Birthday Dad! Miss you!!!

Today would have been my Dad's 65th Birthday. I desperately wish he was here so we could celebrate with him. I always mailed him a box of brownies with his present since that was our tradition on his birthday instead of cake. So, I am baking brownies to share with some of my favorite people in his honor.
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Happy 65th Birthday Dad! I miss you!

Attention Colorado residents!!! It's like letting a pedophile run a day care...

Please help with an email and/or a call to your senator. Click here to find your state senator's name and phone number.

Colorado: Take action against animal cruelty

Colorado’s Pet Animal Care Facilities Act (PACFA) regulates and licenses breeders, shelters, rescues and many other pet animal care entities.

Currently, individuals convicted of animal cruelty are allowed to hold a PACFA license and some even have hundreds of animals in their care.

Fortunately, an amendment to SB09-118 has been introduced in Colorado to prohibit individuals convicted of cruelty from holding an animal care facilities license.

TAKE ACTION

Phone: Please make a brief, polite phone call to your state senator to urge support for the animal cruelty amendment to SB09-118. Click here to find your senator's name and phone number.

Email: email information

Subject Line: I support the SB09-118 amendment to crack down on animal cruelty

Message Content: Send an email urging them to support the amendment.

Dear [ Decision Maker ],
Please support the SB09-118 amendment, which will crack down on animal cruelty in Colorado. The amendment prohibits individuals convicted of animal cruelty from holding a license to operate a pet animal care facility. People convicted of animal cruelty should not be allowed to join the animal industry. The SB09-118 animal cruelty amendment is a simple common-sense way to protect animals and consumers.
Thank you.

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Life these days...

So, I realize it's been awhile since I actually blogged... there's been lots of stuff... up and down... People ask me how I'm doing and the answers are all over the place depending when you are asking and if I am sincerely answering you or just saying that I'm fine.

In general, I look at my life and things are going pretty well overall... I love Colorado, my friends, the community I am a part of, my church The Journey... the areas I am growing in, my husband, the way we are progressing in our adoption journey (turning our paperwork in - in the next few weeks!)...

But I also know I am not doing entirely well... but I'm not able to identify exactly why. I am hoping (as I usually do when this happens) that it is just depression rearing it's ugly head and that it will go away soon! I think part of it is about work and some big picture disillusionment there... unfortunately sharing about that in a public venue like my blog would not be a good idea.

So the depression comes and goes and it is really, really hard. Hard to not be sure when it will hit - when I will wake up or snap over into tired, no emotional energy, irritable, overwhelmed, totally depressed mode and when I will be able to get out of it. When I will be able to feel comfortable and positive in my own skin and when I will want to stay in bed and isolate from the world. After all of these years I still don't have a sense of control over it. Frustrating.

However, so many things are good in my life and going well so it's not that. I just think it's work and the struggle that I come up against when I begin leadership roles... I don't doubt at all, in fact I really believe that it is spiritual warfare stuff - where I doubt and question myself, feel shame at even the smallest mistakes, am self-critical to a fault and just allow myself to hear a lot of negative messages about my not being worth being the leader and feeling inadequate to lead those on my team. But, I am familiar with these feelings from the past and just forgot about them I guess or thought they wouldn't reappear - so I will just battle and push through them, try to correct the lies with the truth... to listen to God's voice and promptings...

Our adoption stuff is pretty cool and exciting. I really feel like we are ready to take this on - ready to bring a kiddo into our family... it's really scary and overwhelming too! There are just so many questions and so much uncertainty - how do I even try to plan my life when it might be 6 months or 2 years...? I might know for a while or it might be sudden - no nine month timeline! I know the answer - I just need to go with the flow, live in the moment, be fully present where God has me. I just have to actually do it!

As I am finishing this up I am realizing that a part of me is scared and sad about the anniversaries of loss that started in early February and barrel like a freight train towards my Dad's in May. I had 2 really hard February ones and Laurie's last week... Anniversaries are hard for me and especially my Dad's one year since I have some weird fear - a fear of him slipping away, memories of him - his voice, persona, phrases etc. the things that slip away with time... I have had this irrational thought about being afraid he will forget about me... illogical but it pops up in my mind. It's probably more of the mourning and sadness about how he will not know me as I grow and change, have kids etc.

SO there it is - many, many random somewhat connected, remotely coherent thoughts!!!

Has it really been 4 years? Remembering Laurie...

March 2nd... again... I can't believe it's been 4 years. When I feel like I can remember almost every moment from that week. How sad... sad for Laurie and thinking of her whole process 4 years ago. Sad for Barb, Pete, Katie, Kristen, Chris, Greg... and that is just for the very immediate family. My sadness includes their spouses and children and Laurie's cousins, aunts, uncles... etc. etc. I decided if I try to include everyone I'll forget someone so I gave up there. Anyhow... and of course Scott and Laurie's many friends who desperately miss her...

sad.

Missing the wonderful, beautiful, precious spirit of Laurie Boncimino.

Many ways to remember her today... hopefully I can find one or more self sacrificial and loving as Laurie was... watched the video of her pics... plan to read her thoughts... listened to her sing worship songs... maybe later to parts of her memorial service... gosh. satan sucks.

miss you laurie.

Timely quote.

A timely quote by the late Dr. Adrian Rogers,

"You cannot legislate the poor into freedom by legislating the wealthy out of freedom.

What one person receives without working for, another person must work for without receiving. The government cannot give to anybody anything that the government does not first take from somebody else.

When half of the people get the idea that they do not have to work because the other half is going to take care of them, and when the other half gets the idea that it does no good to work because somebody else is going to get what they work for, that my dear friend, is about the end of any nation. You cannot multiply wealth by dividing it."

25 Random Things About Me

So... this was a little deal going around Facebook and since I took a lot of time thinking about it and writing it, I thought I would post it here on my blog as well!

1. I think I should know a LOT more since I am a therapist. I always thought therapists knew so much… that they could see through to my soul. But it doesn’t work that way!

2. One of my top favorite things in the world is the ministry and community I am involved in at my church, The Journey. I can’t tell you how thankful I am for it…

3. I miss my Chicago community SO much and wish many of them would move here. The depth of those friendships is amazing, even now, 3 1/2 years after I moved away. I LOVE the times in Chicago when I spend hours and hours and hours and hours with friends… talking, laughing, talking, laughing… you get the point.

4. I love that I have friends that range from 23 to 50 something…

5. I have had clinical depression since junior high. Even with counseling and medication my depression was so treatment resistant that I had to spend a week in the hospital and several months in two different partial hospitalization programs to deal. 8 years of therapy later it is manageable!

6. My time at Willow Creek was… the best of times and the worst of times. Seriously. I learned foundational things about community and ministry that are integral parts of my life. The ministry community I was a part of was so intense and amazing. I love those people so much.

7. I was in a van accident once… well, I was driving the van that almost killed someone and hurt a lot of people. I spent two months with casts on both arms and was too stubborn to ask for help so I would get locked in rooms, not let people help me at the grocery store and once melted open a prescription bottle on the stove b/c I needed the pain meds so bad… (ridiculous I know). I had PTSD for several years and still struggle with guilt.

8. I struggle with the love/hate relationship I have with my job.

9. I have always wanted to write a book, but I don’t know what I would write it about.

10. I thought after my masters I was done with school… but I think I want to go back again eventually… something more ministry oriented.

11. The therapist I had in Chicago for 7 1/2 years is one of the women I admire most in the world. The combination of strength, wisdom, intelligence and compassion…

12. I miss dancing. Ballet, jazz, tap, pointe, modern, etc. Growing up I dreamt of being a professional dancer. I had awesome friends from dance classes (oh the laughs and the stories…) and I am loving reconnecting with them on facebook.

13. My college years were some of my favorites. I had so much fun and grew so much. Learning about… love, residence life, hockey, dancing, not sleeping, friendships, community, ministry, leadership, worship…

14. I can’t wait for when… well, I guess I hope REALLY badly that one day I only have to work part time.

15. My favorite movie ever is Ya Ya Sisterhood… When a Man Loves a Woman runs a close second.

16. I LOVE to listen to people and care about them… people always apologize for dumping on me and it makes me laugh because I love it!

17. 2008 seriously SUCKED. I am still horrified/traumatized at the sudden loss of my Dad and the ridiculously unfair/unacceptable loss of Janice. I am still so sad about the losses of Tammy and Melody. NOT ONE Not one single one of them should have died.

18. I love the outdoors, photography, reading, movies, time with people, the mountains, autumn, chocolate, coffee...

19. I have the most incredible husband that I love so much! He is an amazing servant, so giving, so kind, so helpful, fun, encouraging, intelligent… and truly a wonderful friend. Our friends have taken to calling us Harry & Sally (from the movie). Ironic since that’s the movie we were watching when we first held hands.

20. I have accepted that I will be on meds for the rest of my life. It’s annoying to remember to take them and pay for them but I am a functional human being and that’s pretty important. I am also a chronic insomniac and hope I don’t have to always take sleeping meds.

21. I wish I could spend more time with extended family… I have very cool relatives that I really like and I wish I lived closer to a bunch of them.

22. I freaking love my 4 cats, but I also want a golden retriever really bad. I get really ANGRY about people abusing animals and being irresponsible pet owners. I would be an animal cop if I wasn’t a therapist or in ministry.

23. Sometimes I am amazed at the weirdness that led my entire family to be living in the Denver area. It's fun living near my brother & his wife & our not yet born nephew :)

24. I get sucked in almost obsessively to tragedies like Columbine, Katrina, 9-11 etc. I can’t explain it but I spend hours reading, watching shows, obsessing – I lose sleep over it.

25. I originally thought of adopting kids out of the terror I felt about going off my meds for so long… but now that is just one of the many reasons we are adopting. I am glad that led us down this exciting, scary & beautiful path.

What a beautiful Superbowl!

Obama's got this one right!

Here we go, Steelers, here we go... Pittsburgh's going to the Superbowl...

72 long hours.

Wow. I have been quiet, almost mute since the election on anything politics related and didn't write about many things I wanted to. This has been in effort to remain positive... but it's only been 72 hours and I can't believe what has happened already!

72 hours...

* So much for free speech (if you are a conservative) So much for the 1st amendment. WOW. If Bush said something similar the liberal media would be in an uproar!
* My taxpayer dollars are going to fund international abortions
* Welcome to Guantanamo, Colorado where angry prisoners who are released can go and suicide bomb Denver. awesome.

President Obama... please fix health care -- that is my one great hope for the next 4 years.

Good article: Newcomers can't escape 'religion' of Steeler Nation

Newcomers can't escape 'religion' of Steeler Nation

Nights at Janice's...

So many memories came flooding back when I saw these pictures! This was one of my favorite memories... in general and also specifically with Janice. It's amazing how seeing a photograph can bring up so many emotions.
I remember that the night before this we had all been at Janice's for one of our infamous 7 or 8 hour hang out nights... the nights where we talked and ate and talked and talked and ate and talked and talked and talked. Everyone shared how they were doing and some were peppered with questions if we felt there was more underneath what they were sharing. Janice was such a good question asker. Amongst the talking would be so, so much laughter and a present joy, regardless of the difficulties going on in people's lives. Those were the nights of effortless reconnection with a community of people that had been apart for 6+ months and we just jumped right back in the depths... Around 11:30pm or midnight we would start saying we should leave and then around 2 or 3 we finally would because we just can't stay awake any more.
This night we all just felt we weren't done... there was a longing to continue connecting so we decided to meet for breakfast the next day at the amazing Richard Walkers which went for a few hours and then we went over to Barnes and Noble to spend some more time... I wish we could have more of these times. Sure, we can but there will be a huge piece missing without Janice's infectious joy, probing questions, interesting thought processes and life force.

Great point - as far as churches & dare I say Christians go - Who Cares What You're Not?

From Craig Groeschel:

Who Cares What You’re Not?

While traveling, I listened to podcasts from three of the most well respected pastors in the U.S. All three started by explaining what their church was not. I’ll paraphrase what they said.

Pastor One: “We never water down our message. We don’t preach a seeker sensitive message.”

Pastor Two: “How many of you have been to boring, dead, traditional churches? Churches like that shouldn’t even exist! I’ve got some news for you! We’re not your grandma’s church!”

Pastor Three: “We don’t preach topical-feel-good, entertainment sermons at this church. Most churches are into tickling ears and making people feel good about themselves, but that’s not us!”

My Rant: I’m thrilled you are passionate about your style of teaching and church! It is very likely a true reflection of your gifts and calling. I pray God blesses your church in every way.

But don’t build your church on what you’re not!

If you do, you’re training the people at your church to believe your way is best and everyone else’s is inferior. Who cares what you’re not?! Be who you are without making others look like they are less.

I am loving anyone who understands this :)

best church motto ever

The Moravian Church has always stood by its motto:

"In essentials, unity;

in nonessentials, liberty;

and in all things, love."

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How great is that...? I think I may be adopting it, beginning immediately!

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I have been skipping around to different facebook pages and blog entries the last few weeks and especially the last few days and am just disturbed by the anger. There is a lot of anger and hatred out there towards people that hold different belief or value systems. I find myself frustrated on two fronts...

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1. I see/read a lot of Christians being narrow minded & judgemental and that's irritating. Because it is wrong (the judgement part) and makes it harder for me, because everyone (unfairly) lumps me together with them. I enjoy hearing someones side of an issue and then if they are open/willing to share my side... and I can go back and forth as long as it is in a spirit of "seeking to understand..." But many don't allow me that opportunity because either they just aren't open to discussion or two they have made (wrong) assumptions about what I think/believe because they have put me in the "Christian" box. I wish Christians would learn how to dialog with people - to agree to disagree even at some points... I certainly am not the best example of this but I will do my part in working towards it.

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2. I see the - everyone should tolerate me, except I don't have to tolerate the Christians mentality, all over the place. I don't have too much to say about that except that the negative part of me wants to leave snide comments pointing out the hypocrisy, but I don't. I also wish those people would learn how to dialog with people - and sometimes just agree to disagree. It's hardly fair to demand that people accept you and don't judge you, when you are unwilling to extend the same...

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Just some thoughts... from the farm in Iowa...

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Merry Christmas!!

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to each and every one of you.

I pray you have hope & peace in the new year.

Love,

Jackie

Thoughts from December 10, 2008

This is something I wrote on December 10th... a catharsis for me. It actually came out of something that was a really good thing... a really good conversation with a wonderful friend... but right away I started to fixate on the negative and the shame that I felt, physically even in my body. SO I sat down and wrote this out as a declaration to myself...

Not going to do it. I’m not going to listen to Satan’s lies. I’m not. I won’t filter out content of a conversation and leave out the good as I obsess over the bad. I won’t just remember the negative and the things that stung. I will listen to and believe… pray to believe the overall message, the positive messages that were given directly and indeed, even recognize and acknowledge that the entire encounter wouldn’t have happened had someone not cared…

This was a painful conversation for me because it allowed me to – maybe forced me to acknowledge what I had been trying not to – what I had been running from… that I am fighting with my depression again (clinical depression). That my emotional and mental exhaustion is climbing. That I have felt increasingly dead and numb inside. That I have felt obvious / vulnerable and afraid that someone would see this. Because if I don’t acknowledge my battle with depression to myself, then I can continue on living in denial…

I have to fight against the shame and self loathing that comes in – the way I feel weak that I am struggling with depression again. Like it’s a character flaw or a faith issue… I can’t accept that this is normal given the circumstances and the losses of this year.

What happened in the past does not predict the future…

The people in my current life will not do the same things as the people in my past have…

People will not think less of me, will not take away my opportunities to care and minister… will not consider me lesser than or spiritually inadequate…

I will fight the shame. I will fight Satan’s messages and words of self hatred. I will. I will. I will.

Article about Janice

I'm not sure how this article came about but Eve pointed it out to me...

http://www.dailyherald.com/story/?id=254245

The title says so much...
Elgin woman's blog, faith inspired many

I still don't believe she's gone, deep inside - I think I'll go to Chicago and we'll all go to Janice's and stay up way way way too late drinking coffee, talking and laughing...

Miss you forever Janice Borndahl!

Sadly, sadly, sadly, Janice lost her battle with cancer sometime last night in her sleep...

Her impact on me was/is so unique... needing to be written about when I am more clearheaded. But Janice - I love you forever & will always miss you. I am glad that you aren't in pain anymore. Like Andrea said... someday your mansion is SO going to be the hangout place. Can't wait to have coffee and deep talks again with you someday!

Lots of pictures of Janice here

For those who know her you can call/text/email me for viewing and funeral details -- wake is Saturday and funeral Sunday and we will be there.

Please join us in praying...

...for this wonderful, amazing, spirited, fun, inspiring woman...

Janice Borndahl -- who is in an intense battle with cancer right now...

We love this woman!!! Please join us in praying...

One of many Chicago visits...

On our way out the door (literally) leaving our goodbye party which Janice hosted...
all the crying is why I look like crap!

The gospel message...

I was reading an article in Discipleship Journal in which a pastor had attended a seminary course taught by Dallas Willard (if only I could be so lucky!) Anyhow here is what got me thinking:
"[Willard] was teaching on the Sermon on the Mount and conveying the heart of the gospel through Jesus' teaching, and I felt I was sitting there listening to something I'd never heard before," Lueken recalls. "We realized that we had to rethink what the gospel was about. Does the Bible teach only the gospel of heaven and forgiveness of sins? Or is it about a new way of living that involves the power of God, the peace of God, along with your sins being forgiven and going to heaven when you die?"

I love the new interest in a fuller picture of the gospel message. If all Jesus life was about was - hey, accept me in your life and I'll die for your sins so you can go to Heaven - He certainly could have come down on a cloud in a clear miracle and communicate that message in 10 minutes and leave. Looking at the life of Jesus on earth for 33 years, He clearly was here for more than that. He was here to teach a new way of living that was about loving and serving others. A way of living that was about bringing the kingdom on earth now.

I think that sometimes when people begin to expand their paradigm and see, in this case, that the gospel message encompasses more than people "accepting Christ" and ending up in Heaven but that there is SO much more, there has been a tendency to throw out the original set of thoughts. I think it's important that we don't always speak with disdain of the original content and yet see if it is able to be incorporated into the new train of thought. So I do think it's still important that the message we communicate includes an eternal perspective and forgiveness of sins, but that we make sure to not just stop at that.

I love John Ortberg!

Just came across an article from my favorite all time pastor John Ortberg and thought it was really good! It's long, but good!

John Ortberg's Lessons from the Election
The seven deadly sins of evangelicals in politics.
by John Ortberg

My son has a bumper sticker on his car that reads: “I poke badgers with spoons.” Its significance is not self-evident to everybody who reads it, so let me tell you its story.
It comes from a British stand-up named Eddie Izzard. Eddie grew up in the church, and heard early on about the doctrine of original sin, but was a little fuzzy on the concept. He assumed that it meant that priests get tired of hearing the same old boring confessions time after time—greed, lust, gluttony, and lying to the tax man. Eddie thought the priests wanted to hear some truly original sins.
So he came up with something he figured no one had ever confessed before. “I poke badgers with spoons.” My wife thought it was so funny that she had it printed on a bumper sticker and placed it on my son’s car. Oddly enough, he sometimes fails to appreciate that his parents are two of the funniest people in the world. But he wanted the car. So he gets the sticker that goes with it.

Debates have raged for centuries now over the phrase “original sin,” which of course doesn’t actually show up in the scriptures. Augustine argued that there is a fundamental flaw, a bentness, that gets passed on to every human being before they are even born. (He believed it was intrinsic to the sex act, which may be part of why he never had a little Augustine, Jr.--at least not legitimately.) The classic counter-argument was raised by Pelagius, who claimed that each human being was a blank slate, a morally neutral free agent who had a clean shot at maintaining perfect innocence. Pelagius clearly never had children.

The church came down, with a few caveats, on the side of Augustine and not Pelagius. But Eddie Izzard gets a shout out now and then. The Vatican recently published a list of sins (such as environmental transgressions) which, if not completely original, at least give an updated twist to the old seven deadlies.

Which brings me to the election...

I am a political junkie. During a presidential campaign, I will often buy a couple of newspapers a day just to keep up. But it strikes me that presidential campaigns can often bring out the worst as well as the best in us.So I want to propose the “Seven Deadly Sins of Evangelicals and Politics.” You may have a few of your own to add. But the spirit of such lists in the past was not to add to our store of information but to contrition. So feel free to confess while you read.
Messianism. The sin of believing that a merely human person or system can usher in the eschaton. This is often tipped off by phrases like: “The most important election of our lifetime” (which one wasn’t?); or “God’s man for the hour.”

Selective Scripturization. The sin of using Scripture to reinforce whatever attitude toward the president you feel like holding, while shellacking it with a thin spiritual veneer. If the candidate you like holds office, you consistently point people toward Romans 13: “Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established.” If your candidate lost, you consistently point people to Acts 4:10 where Peter and John say to the Sanhedrin: “Judge for yourselves whether it is right in God’s sight to obey you rather than God.” It’s just lucky for us the Bible is such a big book.

Easy Believism. This is the sin of believing the worst about a candidate you disagree with, because when you want them to lose you actually want to believe bad things about them. “Love is patient, love is kind,” Paul said. “Love does not delight in evil, but rejoices in the truth.” But in Paul’s day nobody ran for Caesar. There was no talk radio.

Episodism. The sin of being engaged in civic life only on a random basis. The real issues never go away, but we’re tempted to give them our attention only when the news about them is controversial, or simplistic, or emotionally charged. Sustained attention to vital but unsexy issues is not our strong suit.

Alarmism. A friend of mine used to work for an organization that claimed both Christian identity and a particular political orientation. They actually liked it when a president was elected of the opposite persuasion, because it meant they could raise a lot more money. It is in their financial interests to convince their constituents that the president is less sane than Jack Nicholson in The Shining. Alarmists on both sides of the spectrum make it sound like we’re electing a Bogeyman-in-Chief every four years. I sometimes think we should move the election up a few days to October 31.

One Issue-ism. Justifying our intolerance of complexity and nuance by collapsing a decision into a simplistic and superficial framework.

Pride. I couldn’t think of a snappy title for this one. But politics, after all, is largely about power. And power goes to the core of our issues of control and narcissism and need to be right and tendency to divide the human race into ‘us’ vs. ‘them.’

What might happen if the world were to see those of us who claim to be the church vote, and speak, and campaign, and respond to the results in a humble and repentant spirit?
John Ortberg is editor-at-large of Leadership and pastor of Menlo Park Presbyterian Church in Menlo Park, California.

perspective.

The unfairness of life makes me SO angry and sad.

Sorry to be cryptic but I need to be for now... I'll reveal more when appropriate.

But I am so sad and angry right now I am not sure what to do with myself. Sometimes things are cosmically UNFAIR. I want to curl up in a ball and cry and not have to go to work for the next 2 days when I am faced with MANY, many sessions of individual and family therapy I'm not ready for. I wish I could escape.

Grrr. 2008 sucks.

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Thank you veterans!!!

Thank you a million times to all veterans --
among them both of my grandfathers and my Dad!

that was quick & my next 4 years...

Hmm. That was quick. I'm over it.

The night of the election I wondered aloud to Mark how long my intense feelings of irritability, disbelief and others I can't even identify would last. It felt like it would be at least a week. But, it's gone now. I have settled in to the new reality. It surprises me. I am still in utter shock and disbelief that our citizens chose to ignore some serious problems in electing Obama, but not sure that will ever completely subside. But, emotionally, I am not stuck like I thought I would be. Probably because I have made a strong decision that I will go against everything that pissed me off the last 8 years.

There was rampant disrespect for President Bush. I will disagree with Obama at points, probably many, but I will respect him as the President of the United States.

Many people hoped Bush would fail, even at the cost of the country. I want good & positive progress for the country. If it's under Obama great.

You would think from the media that Bush brought only 8 years of negativity and problems. I will acknowledge the positives that Obama's administration brings.

People assumed the Pray for the President wristband I had was only because the President was Bush. I will pray for President Obama.

People minimized and disrespected Bush by calling him "Mr. Bush" I will not call him "Mr. Obama" but rather President Obama.

Many hoped for Bush to fail and enjoyed every mistake he made. I will hope for the best for Obama, and as I said previously, I will hope to be proven wrong.

In the words of John McCain: ""I want everyone to be respectful and let's make sure we are, because that is the way that politics should be conducted in America..."

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hoping I'm mistaken

WOW. I want to go on the record saying that I would NEVER NEVER NEVER be happier to be proven wrong.

I hope I am. I hope I can look back and be relieved and happy that I was wrong.

And I am very serious right now.

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"misinformation" in the election

Here is my short rant #1:

People should stop forwarding every email they get and article they read without THINKING. I have gotten SO many emails about how Obama is a closet Muslim. First of all - he's not. Second of all - as long as he's of the peaceful sect - I don't care if he is.

Especially those in my life that identify, as I do, as Christ followers. Be informed. Don't pass on alarmist crap. Grrr. Follow the greatest commandment -- Love God, Love Others... (not like I think I'm perfect, please don't misunderstand!)

Rant #2

For EVERYONE - GET INFORMED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quit voting on kneejerk reaction, charisma, stupid email forwards, and stupid mantras with no meaning behind them... Actually Drew had a good post about this a while ago.

This is a really funny example. One of Howard Stern's people goes into Harlem & asks people who they are supporting - when they say who (mostly Obama) he asks them why and presents McCain's positions to them as if they are Obama's... and they're all like, yeah, yeah that's why, I agree with that. Even when he asks what they think about his choice of Palin for VP!...

HOWEVER, I don't like it that he focused on just one race, African Americans. I wish they did this experiment with a variety of Obama supporters or on the other hand McCain supporters. (ACTUALLY he does the same for the one guy that says he's voting for McCain - GOOD!) So please watch this with me saying that in mind - I don't agree with the focus on one race but the general idea is my point...

KNOW WHY YOU ARE VOTING FOR WHO YOU ARE VOTING FOR.

politics = annoying

I am so annoyed with this political season. It may be the same as the last one or probably 10 but I have never so clearly seen people who really have no intention of actually listening to both sides -- instead -- whoever you like going in to each debate clearly won the debate. I have talked to so many people about the presidential debate and there was no change in their thinking at all.

For the most part people weren't even able to engage in a conversation about it and listen and be listened to -- it's like people have earplugs in and will not deviate. So again, maybe it's the same old, same old but I only got interested in politics a few years ago...

Here's my journey: Was super in to politics... swung far right... got disillusioned by both sides when I realized almost NO ONE is interested in compromise and bipartisanship... and now kind of swing around in the middle... maybe a little to the right... but even changed my registration from Republican to Independent.

Random: My car hit: 222,222 miles today. Go Toyota!

Why does there have to be such hatred and anger?

7 months...

The last 7 months has been crazy and overwhelming... I keep telling myself it will slow down and my head will stop spinning. However, that has not been true to this point!

* First in February, sad news of Melody's death (working on a post about this). But truly a tragedy :( and horrific.
* Then the next week the news that Tammy (one of my former youth min. kids) had died in her sleep... age 25 with a 2 year old son... SO sad and too young :(
* 2 whirlwind weeks in Australia (end of April/May) where we saw so many amazing things and I got to spend more time with my brother than we had in probably 15 years.
* At the end of the trip (early May) I find out the good news that I got the therapist position I was hoping for. Unfortunately they didn't hire anyone for my old job for half the summer so I was trying to do both jobs, HAH!
* Then the loss of my Dad in May, suddenly in his sleep at age 64 was like a punch in the gut. Like I said before, it's not fair to not get to say goodbye. This has altered my world in a way I could never imagine and I know I have yet to really grieve...
* June is a blur of trying to figure out my new job and catch up and being overwhelmed with responsibility that somehow, for the most part I handled (somewhat...)
* In July we moved my Mom to Denver. Within less than 72 hours we flew to Pittsburgh, packed up the house, I said goodbye to my childhood home and Pittsburgh and we drove a moving van full of stuff to Denver...
* July also - the majority of our staff quits (almost all for great reasons for them moving on in their lives) which adds a crazy heavy burden on us as therapists...
* August is a blur of trying in vain to catch up on job stuff and settling Mom in to Denver... shopping & doctor trips, opening a bank account etc.
* Most recently learning that a good, adored friend of mine is very sick with cancer... again - not all about me, but has left me shocked and saddened.

In and amongst all of this I had friends struggling with so many things... deaths of family and friends, serious illness, sexual assault, health issues, eating disorders, miscarriages... etc. and although those things are not about me, my emotional energy and heart went & still goes out to them.

So, not sure of my point here except I though maybe getting this out visually for myself would be helpful and cathartic. Reminding myself to take it one day at a time. Reminding myself that I just need to take it a little at a time...
Love God, Love Others. Love God, Love Others... Love God, Love Others.

September 11th

I have a heavy heart for another somber anniversary of Sept. 11th...
Always Remember...

Gulf Coast evacuess - BRING YOUR PETS!!!

Hurricane Gustav Evacuees with Pets

Help ARNO by informing everyone you know with pets that New Orleans area evacuees can bring their animals with them to the evacuation pick up sites. New Orleans Residents: Please go to the City of New Orleans website for more information. Jefferson Parish Residents: Please go to the Jefferson Parish website for more information on assisted evacuations.

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Other areas have plans for helping you with your pets -- contact your local human society, research it on the internet, ask around, call a vet... DON'T leave your pets behind!

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Don't let this happen again...

Bible in a minute -- impressive! plus a bunch of other hysterical videos!

These are two of the funniest guys ever! To spend hours of your time laughing go watch all of their videos: (they are mainly NOT Christian themes FYI)
http://www.youtube.com/user/BaratsAndBereta We recommend "Completely Uncalled For", "Mothers Day", "Suburbanites" and "The Good Word" but there are so many more! OH YEAH - and definitely "In Bruges" - On the Red Carpet at Sundance

Bible In A Minute - barats and bereta

a few australia pics

yessirree - there I am, feeding a koala bear!

My brother put up some pictures from when we drove the Great Ocean Road along the south eastern coast of Australia... if you click on the "full view" on the right hand side you see the pics better but miss the captions... the link is here

Some day I hope to get to editing and posting mine. But, I thought it would be good to get up a few for now. I had just started working on mine the night before my Dad died :( so that project got lost. Chris has some good pics posted of the amazing sights we saw.

emotions.

Almost disturbing is blogger telling me this is post 700? - wow.

Funny is listening to my husband singing: "It's hard of there for a pimp." (we just watched the movie hustle & flow)

Scary is having 1 friend in the hospital and having another that needs to be there...

Happy is watching the Olympics - especially women's gymnastics.

Sad is still thinking about and missing my Dad every day.

Overwhelmed is the amount of paperwork I have to catch up with at work.

Joy is having friends & community - people that know me at a deep level.

Anxiety is having so much to do in life I'll never catch up.

Calm was sleeping in today on a cold, rainy saturday...

Life as it is right now...

Wow. I have really missed “blog world.” Besides the crazy busy and overwhelming last few months, the few times I have wanted to write I have not known where to start. I feel pretty mixed up inside as far as my emotions being all over and a bit confused!

There are two things dominating my mind & world over the past months.
1. The death of my Dad and all that has resulted in.
2. Being hired as a therapist at work and all that has resulted in.

Really, I still feel somewhat jumbled internally… I stop and try to think and process now and am just stuck. No where to start...

It’s still daily, even a few times a day when I still am in disbelief that my Dad died. I never, never thought even once that there was the possibility that I would hit 45 much less 34 and not have my Dad around. Even sadder and worse, that I’ll have kids who will never get to meet their grandfather. I know my Grandfather (my Dad’s Dad) feels distant to me. He died when my dad was 12 – so I never knew him and don’t have memories of his quirks, personality, likes and dislikes. I’m sad that my kids will never have that.

I can tell them about my Dad – how crazy smart he was, how he loved to talk about Bill O’Reilly, his amazing organization skills (which I wish I inherited), the endless stories about work, his musical talent… the way he would just decide he was going to learn something and go ALL OUT – like teaching himself stained glass, creating a music recording studio in the basement, composing music… It is a rare person that would be able to be the expert IT guy at his work when he was 64 years old and out of college for 42 years! Not just any company... a global leader in equipment and services for power generation and rail transport (Alstom).

I don’t even know what half of the things he did mean – and I consider myself decently intelligent. For example: Bob Ihrman wrote a program called MIDI Voice Reserve (midiVR) which reports maximum polyphony, voice reserve exceeded, potential lost notes, and more.

I didn’t even know until he died that he had 2 US Patents!

High performance memory imaging network for a real time process control system - United States Patent 5142623
Real time process control using multiple communication networks - United States Patent 4928097

So,sorry this turned into a brag session on my Dad, but he was pretty fucking awesome and I miss him :(

Crazy learning curve at work.

Can I just say what a crazy day at work I just had!? My boss was out sick & then our only regular staff was sick too so it was "Jackie learns how to run Phoenix day!"

It was pretty crazy and chaotic because I went from one session to the next and then ran around dealing with all the little fires that were going on everywhere... girls in time out who need to be evaluated on the hour, angry families, writing up behavioral programs, confronting girls about potential contraband and run plans, etc. etc. Then trying to make sure the non-regular staff could run the whole unit tonight... and on top of it all, I actually had to leave on time so I couldn't stay around. EEK!

Well, hopefully I didn't do too bad and it all works out! We will find out tomorrow (cringe!)

Fathers Day

At Chris's (brother) wedding in 2005

Dad's "Cave" I called it... aka computer/electronic recording studio.

Poor timing for Fathers Day. My Dad hasn't even been gone a month and here it is. Everywhere I go; on the intercom in stores, on tv and radio commercials, signs outside of restaurants etc... rub it in my face.

It's been hard to grieve. The funeral week was so shocking and busy. Then I got back and was so far behind in work I am just trying desperately to catch up even a bit and am barely keeping my head out of the water... People ask how I am and I said fine or something bland, maybe even acknowledging I am overwhelmed, but for some reason - as I shared in a meeting last week I just can't/don't cry in front of others. I wish I could at least tear up and just acknowledge my torn and lonely insides... or to be able to put into words the empty part of my life, or just say how much I need a hug. Sometimes in the car right before I get to work, or when I email someone, or write this blog I can tear up and feel the depth of sadness, but I need to stop shoving it and not feeling it since - hi, that leads to depression.

Also, when I am able to long and wish so badly to see his smile once more, for him to be there at baggage claim to pick us up, to hear his work stories, to hear his music compositions or the newest addition to the amazing recording studio/computer cave he made... to eat an awesome meal that he grilled - summer or winter. I just wish I could have those things ONE MORE TIME. To know it was the last time so I drank in every moment and detail. On the flip side, I wish he would have gotten the chance to retire, which he was working so hard to, to get together with his high school band again, meet his grandkids, celebrate his 65th birthday and many more things that he deserved...

Miss you Dad & love you... wish you were still here.

"you never let go..."

Well, I guess I am too tired and overwhelmed to post yet. But a quick update will say... I am so sad. SO sad. My week in Pittsburgh was mixed blessings... overall horribly sad but getting to see family was good and getting to meet my Dad's wonderful coworkers and hear great stories about him and see how much people cared about him meant a GREAT deal... it's just been hard.

Anyhow... I was reading Barb's blog and noticed in a post she had mentioned me and losing my Dad in a post reflecting on so many of life's tragedies that were weighing on her and it started with the lyrics to a David Crowder song I am not sure I have heard... and I went to find it right away and it has ministered to my soul. Just a basic simple reminder of a God who stubbornly clings to us amidst all of life's circumstances. Regardless of whether I "feel" Him or not, He is there and that knowledge is part of the rock I am grounded on right now in my pain.

Lyrics so basic yet so what I need to cling to...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XVNLXWkOpK4 (YouTube video)

David Crowder Band "You Never Let Go" abbreviated:

When clouds veil sun, and disaster comes...
When waters rise, And hope takes flight...

Ever faithful, Ever true, You I know
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go
You never let go

When clouds brought rain, And disaster came...
When waters rose, And hope had flown...
Oh, my soul, overflows

Oh, what love, oh, what love
Oh, my soul, Fills hope
Perfect love that never lets go

In joy and pain
In sun and rain
You're the same
Oh, You never let go.

The YouTube video is here...

Still in shock. I miss you Dad.

There aren't many coherent words to say... but profound sadness because I lost my dad. My mom called after church Sunday to tell me that he had died. Totally and completely out of the blue - he had been working hard to retire in the next year or two... He had woken up in the middle of the night a bit feverish and with soreness to both arms and took it is the onset of the flu. When my mom went to check on him late morning/early afternoon he had died (likely heart attack). I am SO sad and SO overwhelmed... I can't go into detail here about the absolute chaos and confusion and overwhelming responsibility that is right now... Please, please please pray for wisdom, discernment, compassion, strength, endurance... anything.

It's not fair to not get to say goodbye.

Robert (Bob) Ihrman

April 7, 1944 - May 18, 2008

Love you Dad

a few fun ones

Oh... I look forward to having only one full time job again so I can blog...
but in the meanwhile...

Triplet Falls


The sleepy koala in our campsite (I fed him!!!)

Cute cute cute mom & joey

thirsty kangaroo having an early evening refresher...


AND GO PENGUINS!!!!! HOW EXCITING... STANLEY CUP HERE WE COME (hopefully!!!)

Got the job!!!

Yay! I got the job. I am honestly in shock!!! I really decided I didn't have it and was mentally sad.

So, I am going to stop being rude and go spend time with the fam since I am here in Australia.

Just a blog to say it has been and is continuing to be a very cool vacation and I am super thankful to get good job news in the midst of it!

In Australia!!!

Hi all!
Quick post b/c I am not sure I am allowed to be on this computer! BUT we are in Melbourne for the weekend with my brother and sister-in-law and one of the perks of them is that we are staying at the Marriott and I am currently drinking free cappuccino in the Executive Lounge. fancy! It's been awesome so far - lots of flying and traveling and:
**Tuesday landed in Syndey 7am - Chris and Megan surprise us at the airport. We thought we wouldn't see them until Friday so that was FUN! Spent the day touring Sydney with them... the Opera House, Harbor Bridge etc... flew to Cairns that night and checked in at the fun Backpacker's hostel we stayed at.
**Wednesday went on a Rainforest tour - rode out there in a Sky Rail 7.4 km gondola ride - very cool and spend time in a village and took a scenic train ride back...
** Thursday we took a day trip out on a boat and snorkeled the Great Barrier Reef! Incredible! We flew in to Melbourne last night and here we are (it's Friday afternoon for us!)

We are thankful for this exciting experience!!!

And my boss told me she would email me today about the job which she hasn't. Grrr. Oh well.

Leaving for Australia!!!

Mark and I are running around madly and finishing packing now before our wonderful friends Brian & Karen take us to the airport. We fly out tonight at 7:51pm!

So no time to say anything but a summary:
* I don't find out about the job until next Thursday or Friday so, yes, in the middle of vacation! Oh well...
* Congrats to Shelly Cox on her new job! Proud of here. More later...
* Oh yes! AND we DO get to go to the Great Barrier Reef - we will be snorkeling there on Thursday!!!

We're off!!!

job interview & australia & my good friend Shelly

Had a job interview yesterday for a full time therapist position at my work. Seemed to go well.. however I can see equally valid reasons that I would and would not get it... So, we shall see what happens.

...and...

We are going to Australia! Mark and I are going for 2 whole weeks! from April 20 - May 4th to see the country and spend some time with my brother Chris and sister-in-law Megan. I am mostly really excited but feeling a little frantic about it - too much to see to fit in and I know it is a once in a lifetime trip! Plus we have so much to get done before then! My only sad thing is that we won't get to see the Great Barrier Reef which would be SO freaking cool b/c it costs way too much to get there from where we'll be The weird thing is that I feel really guilty about it. I feel bad for going and for spending the money - even though it was only $1,450 for us total to fly (thanks much to Megan for helping us with frequent flier miles). I feel guilty that other people can't do this and selfish. I need to get over it and enjoy the blessing and opportunity.

...and...

I have a great, great friend Shelly. And I SWEAR she gives the best gifts ever! Tonight she gave me two books I really wanted and am SO excited to read!

Beautiful Boy: A Father's Journey through His Son's Meth Addicton

and

Mistaken Identity: The Families of Laura Van Ryn and Whitney Cerak Tell Their True Story

UNBELIEVABLE STORY - here is the summary of the story that is behind the book...

Thanks friend!!!

hsus.org

hsus.org

From the Theologians Cafe on Xanga...



Don't let that face fool you. He wants to be clubbed.

And look how much fun it is for the clubber.






It also causes some pretty cool colors to show up on the snow.




hsus.org

Sad day for seals.

Today is the opening day of another disgusting season of baby seal slaughter in Canada.

Boycott the Canadian seafood industry and those that purchase from it.

Saying Sorry

Today at church the message was in essence about saying I'm sorry and how hard that is... and it is! At least for me... Mark and I were just talking about last week how hard it is for me to say I'm sorry in some cases. I spent a lot of time feeling bad and beating myself up for stuff but the actual words, "I'm sorry" are hard to utter. Especially when you are stubborn and so is your husband... oh the bane of being the oldest children. Well, we have a laugh over it and keep working at it.

A surprisingly great week.

You know... I had a great week this past week. I expected it to suck because I am still dealing or not dealing with Tammy's death and then Laurie's anniversary also fell this week. And yes, absolutely those two things were still there and very sad...

Starting from Sunday 8 days ago I really got to talk to several people in depth and care for them, then there was a very detailed, intense and confidential situation with someone in my life and in the lives of a lot of my friends... in this situation I was able to offer much of what I had learned in grad school as well as had experience with in grad school, practicum and afterwards... I felt like... yes! THIS is what I went to grad school for. Then I was able to reconnect with a hurting friend who I hadn't seen in months... At work I was able to actually meet with clients for therapy which I have really missed doing!

I feel like God provided comfort in my life by allowing me these opportunities to love, care and use some of what I have learned and experienced. Thanks God!

For those who have been asking about Shelly and Eve: I would just say that Shelly could use your prayers and love. I can't share details in the interest of respecting her but I really believe in the power of prayer and that Shelly could use it. I was able to see Eve when I was in Illinois for a short time which was wonderful to see her happy in her new home & life with Paul... I'm not sure if she plans to have a new public blog or not.

Remembering Laurie...

Missing the wonderful, beautiful, precious spirit of Laurie Boncimino.
It's been 3 long years the world has been empty of her radiant presence.

I'm praying for all of you who were friends & family to Laurie & are in pain today & the next few.

Talked with a woman at church about an hour ago who just went to her 19 year old nephews funeral... he had taken his own life. Weird & ironic but not a coincidence as I was able to talk about it with her and share about Laurie and be someone in her life who would not stigmatize suicide... just talk about the raw emotion and sadness.

Many ways to remember her today... hopefully I can find one or more self sacrificial and loving as Laurie was... watched the video of her pics... plan to read her thoughts... listened to her sing worship songs... maybe later to parts of her memorial service...

miss you laurie.

Death sucks.

So, I haven't updated in a while since life has been crazy and yucky. I have yet to get to see Shelly. I would say prayers for her would be appreciated as she is having a hard time right now. I will check in with Eve about her plans for her next, new blog as well.

The last 3 Thursdays in a row people have died that are either close to me or close to someone in my life.

The first one, Melody... is a sad, sad, horribly sad and disturbing story which I will have a whole 'nother entry about sometime. SO disturbing. Only 42 years old... Went to her funeral last Saturday.

The next one was my friend Christie's dad... although he knew he was dying (cancer) it was still so sad. Only 59. His memorial service was so beautiful...

Then today I found out that one of my old youth ministry kids, Tammy, from Chicago died last night. I believe she was 24 or 25... Details are still unclear except that her husband found her still in bed when he got home on Thursday night. I haven't seen her in a few years but she was one of my youth min kids, I led her small group for a year and she was in the van accident with me so we were really close in the past. (I can explain the van accident another time - all involved got very close). The hardest thing is my other old students who were a year or two older which were the kids I most intensely discipled, led and did life with who built into her and loved her so much... so my Chicago community is a mess too. After some discussion and concern about our finances as well as concern about wear and tear on the car (it has 208,000 miles on it and broke down this week requiring a $250 fix) we decided I will go out to Chicago for the service on Monday...

I am tired of people dying young. I am tired of being sad... and this time tired of being so shocked.

WOW!!! Mitt Romney out!?

Ok, so I was super surprised... even shocked to hear that Mitt Romney dropped out of the race today. Not sure I have much else to say about it but... wow.

hey, I'm famous (well, that may be a slight exaggeration)

Wow, I just found this... feeling pretty special...
http://books.google.com/books?id=2VrgjgaFRxoC&pg=PR11&lpg=PR11&dq=%22jackie+reitsma%22&source=web&ots=fSZRPlSUxn&sig=f_jK1yWWg3tEQGWRU5_XaeKaQDs

Why adoption???

Please bear with this long post. It is heartfelt and vulnerable so it just goes a bit long.

Many have asked (and I sense many want to but don't) why we are pursuing adoption. I actually really appreciate those that ask because it shows that they are not just assuming we are only pursuing adoption due to not being able to have children of our own. A woman (well meaning) at my church said, "oh, you'll be part way through the process and get pregnant, it happens so often." Boy, was I annoyed and frustrated at her non-stated assumption. The fact is we probably could have kids "of our own." Granted, we haven't tried and don't plan to at this point, but that's my guess.

There are probably 2 main reasons we have made this choice.

1. The decision to adopt is out of a response to our faith in Christ.
Probably one of my favorite posts was written in October of 2005 where I was beginning this thought process in a small sense. Since it's a long post -- here is the relevant part:
...I want my life... my beliefs, my actions, my words, my motivations, my thoughts to be defined by my beliefs... by my identification as a Christ follower. I don't want to call myself a "Christian" and then go on about my life as the rest of society tells me I should... I don't want to judge myself against some invisible standard that the secular or Christian worlds tell me are "normal." I want to consider honestly... knowing Christ & Christ's love... what should I do in light of those things. I want to truly pursue Christ... to be his image bearer to a hurting world.
What does this mean for me? Well. it means that Mark and I have to figure it out together - being that we are "one" - but some random pontificating... Maybe it means adoption... I mean seriously, when we are ready for kids - here we are two healthy loving people. Why should I bring more children into the world when there are orphans in the world... in the U.S. There are children with no parents... the Bible speaks specifically of orphans... (yeah, yeah, I'll probably at least birth one of my own, for Mark's sake) I understand there are people out there that care about passing on their name/heritage or whatever, I guess I just don't identify with that. Maybe for me, being a Christ follower means adopting a child that has no parents... there are so many of them!

There was the beginning of God making me think. The New Testament speaks time and time again of the widows and the orphans and our call to care for them. Helping break the cycle of poverty and intervening in a broken welfare system is just a small part of adopting ) specifically out of the foster care system.

Here are some staggering facts:
* JUST IN COLORADO there are about 875 children who are legally free for adoption. That is staggering. 875 orphans just in my state!
* When these kids age out of the foster care system at 18 yrs of age the state basically says -- oh well... and they are forced out on their own. I have seen this first hand - it's not the way God meant it to be - and it's so sad and hard to witness.
* About 70% of the prison population in Colorado have spent some time in the foster care system.
* There are 875 kids free for adoption in Colorado and over 1500 churches in the extended Denver area alone! As the Project 1.27 director says - do the math!

2. I am on medications that I really fear going off of for the time we'd be trying to get pregnant, the length of the pregnancy and the time I was breastfeeding. I notice a lot of people subtly undermining this fear... thinking it wouldn't be so bad and I could make it through that time but - believe me - if I have a few bad days depression wise now (as opposed to the bad few years I had) I freak out. I start thinking - no this can't happen, I CAN'T do this again... I won't make it this time... My friend Eve actually really validated this fear for me few months back which I am so thankful for. She looked at me and said "I don't want you to go off your meds." You see, Eve saw me, knew me and somehow stuck with me through those years. She asked me point blank if I was suicidal and cried with me when I told her how badly I wanted to die - but that I had made the cognitive decision that I would not kill myself (considering Mark and the students I lead etc.)
It was horrible and the depression can still rear it's ugly bastard head at times. I have said to people, "I don't want to sound flippant but I am pretty sure I would kill myself if I went off my meds for that long." I can't explain in words the way my experience of depression is like: the hopelessness, incredible self-loathing and shame, how hard it is to get out of bed - to accomplish ANYTHING, disabling fatigue, how I isolate and feel separate from others and unworthy - that they secretly dislike me or even are disgusted my me but just put up with me out of a sense of duty, how God feels distant and unreachable, how absolutely horrible it feels to be SUPER irritated about nothing and everything so much that it makes me want to crawl out of my skin, how it's even harder for me to concentrate than it already is now, shame, shame, and shame, how I feel useless and like a burden to Mark and everyone else. There is my weak attempt to put into words a the horror of episodes of depression for me.

So, my apologies for the long post. But to me it's just the tip of the iceberg - a quick overview of my thought anf feeling process.

MLK better late than never... classes this weekend

SO - been a little busy but in late, late honor of Martin Luther King... Here's a quote Dave posted...

I do not think God approves the death penalty for any crime-rape and murder included. Capital punishment is against the best judgment of modern criminology and, above all, against the highest expression of love in the nature of God.

- Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., 1957

Good words!

---------------------------------------------

Also, tonight and allll day tomorrow we are attending the second 12 hour training for Project 1.27...

(pause)

Ok, so we're back from the first 4 hours... all about the concept of love. Wow... the people broke down 1 Corinthians 13 step by step and expanded on the concepts as well as sharing practical stories of what this looked like for them in the adoption process... and in life in general. Wow. Love is hard stuff.

Connections...

Thanks everyone for your encouragement and excitement for us. Once we attended the training Friday night and Saturday we have been able to get really excited. It just helped a lot to get a better picture of what the process is like. We got the application packet and wow - there is a lot of information to deal with and papers to fill out... background checks, home studies, etc. etc. In 2 weekends we'll be attending our next training so that will also help.

The thing that I was surprised about was how much I enjoyed getting to know the other couples. My original mental plan was to attend the classes and not really engage with many other people because, honestly, I was tired and didn't think I had the relational energy. But, once interaction was forced on me, I was glad it was. Very cool to meet other people engaged in the same process since it's hard to really explain. We also found a lot of connections with the 2 trainers... one of them actually volunteered at Student Impact in Chicago at the same time I was on staff there.

Probably the coolest thing though was a discovery I made today... I said to one of the women at church... Hey Rhonda - I thought of you yesterday... and told her about how I thought of her during the training since all of the other couples except one already had kids and I knew adoption was something that was on her heart... and she told me they are attending the Project 1.27 orientation next month and her and her husband are planning to adopt through them too! How awesome. I was SO excited to find someone else in our same church community who are going to be walking the similar road. So I was really excited and thankful for that!

Adoption Step #1

So... tomorrow it begins!... what promises to be a lengthy, nerve racking, promising, scary, wonderful, really scary process...

We were put on the list of adoptive families for Project 1.27 this week and will attend the "Adopt Core Training" which is "2 days of required training from the state government for families going through the adoption process."

I often feel more than one emotion at once. It is only human to have a mix and mingling of emotions at any one time. But the duality I am feeling right now it almost overwhelming - this simultaneous experience of total excitement and anticipation right alongside a lot of fear and anxiety. Just the emotions of it all are tiring me out - much less the 25 hours I worked between today and yesterday.So, we start tomorrow evening at 5pm! I am praying (and would ask for your prayers) as we enter into this process!!!

Religion of criticism

Great thoughts...

Earl Creps, church planter and author was speaking. He said that many of us in the present movement have subscribed to the religion of criticism. Instead of becoming more like Christ ourselves and living a relevant life, we criticize churches and ministries that are not doing ministry the way we prefer. In a postmodern culture, we must be careful to not become a critic of everything and a supporter of nothing. Whenever we subscribe to the religion of criticism, we can no longer help hurting people–we enter into an ineffective state in which our criticism outweighs our contribution to society. Through a retrospective examination of our personal lives, we can become a true example to those in our culture who are searching desperately for hope and salvation.

Ok, so I'm not a Hillary fan by any means - but, who gives a rats ass if she cried? Barely cried anyhow... Sexism. It's an ugly, ugly thing. The double standard is so frustrating. A man crying shows that he's sensitive and compassionate but a woman crying shows weakness and instability. (By the way, this applies regardless of the motivation or the honesty/calculation behind the crying...) The way so many in the media and the country have not been able to handle it has really disturbed me. I understand some of it is just people looking for anything they can portray and negative, but the reactions say a lot more than people realize...

See my girls on TV! Yay!

My girls were finally on Good Morning America! Yay! Here is a link to the article and the video is in the upper right hand corner ("Therapy Dogs for Kids In Need")...

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/TurningPoints/story?id=4079721&page=1

It's kind of short and misses a lot but it was still cool to see them. Some of the girls like Michelle and Katie I have worked closely with and others didn't live in the unit I work in...

Still working on the Shelly update - we are trying to get together in the next week... it's been hard for us to connect with schedules and all.

Sad :(

Such sad news yesterday...

Since my brother and sister-in-law moved to Australia for 6 months to a year my parents took Sandy, their cat, home to watch for them.

Sadly, she was hit by a car and died this week. I can't believe how sad I am about it. I can't stop thinking about it and I have cried like 3 times. It doesn't help being with people who don't even keep pets indoors and have none of the attachment to pets I have had in my life... I wish someone could relate.

Enter the guilt issues for us not taking her... Of course, I could never know this would happen so second guessing doesn't help... but maybe it would have been better for her to be miserable at our house... I don't know. Baxter and Finn still fight every single day - this has been for almost a year now so adding another cat into the mix may have been a serious problem. But, I kind of wish we tried it. Oh well. Damn death and the finality of it.

Rest in peace Sandy... you lived a full, if too short life...

Christmas... in a residential treatment center

I have to work 42+ hours in the next 3 days... I am off today (Sunday) and then I work 14 hrs. Monday, 15 Tuesday and 13 Wednesday. A bit overwhelmed thinking about it. But I will get to take a chunk of time off after that, thankfully.

The holidays can be really hard at EYC. Some of the girls are able to go on homepasses - this is nice because it takes our census down... however, then you have a bunch of girls at EYC that either have no families or are not allowed to or welcome to go on a homepass. This time of the year makes anyone wistful for family celebrations... Even those who have never had them. The girls imagine from what they see on tv or hear about that they are missing out on these storybook times. Even though you and I know that in reality the holidays with family can be messy and have some awkward and difficult dynamics - at least most of us have these opportunities to have these dynamics.

So, we'll try to make the best of it - making things as special as we can... but it's hard to battle against the increased acting out and the painful memories & sadness we are dealing with... in a confusing twist we sometimes get this entitled mentality from a few of the girls -- ones who have been given a lot and not really been forced to work for anything - they get a sense of entitlement... but that is a whole new blog post - about the positives and negatives of social welfare and things to avoid. But those attitudes are doubly difficult for me to deal with and often lead to an internal tirade on my part about wanting to take these girls down to serve at an orphanage in Mexico to see reality.

Anyhow... since it's not a Christian treatment center there are things we miss and values that I think would be nice to instill & work on... like being thankful for what we have... realizing that, though they have a rough go in life... they have a place to sleep, food to eat, staff that care... etc. I think we could see an amazing change if we worked on changing perspectives to acknowledging and mourning the rough place they are in and the abuses that got them there... but then looking ahead and saying, where can we go from here?

Before I get totally lost and all over the place... I wish each of you a wonderful, happy, relaxing, safe & meaningful holiday... wherever you are and whatever you are doing...

Truth!

There are no words that can adequately explain how much I believe this is true:

"Engrave this upon your heart: there isn't anyone
you couldn't love once you've heard their story."

--Mary Lou Kownacki

Anticipating the Vision - Henri Nouwen

The marvelous vision of the peaceable Kingdom, in which all violence has been overcome and all men, women, and children live in loving unity with nature, calls for its realization in our day-to-day lives. Instead of being an escapist dream, it challenges us to anticipate what it promises. Every time we forgive our neighbor, every time we make a child smile, every time we show compassion to a suffering person, every time we arrange a bouquet of flowers, offer care to tame or wild animals, prevent pollution, create beauty in our homes and gardens, and work for peace and justice among peoples and nations we are making the vision come true.

We must remind one another constantly of the vision. Whenever it comes alive in us we will find new energy to live it out, right where we are. Instead of making us escape real life, this beautiful vision gets us involved.

Our festive house and my Provisional LPC

Good day today -- Mark and I finally got our Christmas decorating done. It's been a few years since we did the whole tree and all... our house looks so beautiful and festive, although we had to move around the furniture SO many different times to try to fit the tree in. Anyhow... enjoy our pretty place...

Also, my Provisional LPC came in the mail today (well I just opened it today) -- yay! On my way...

Honoring Nick Turcotte

There is a wonderful woman at my church... Debbie Moore... a really sweet, caring heart and active in different areas of compassion...

One year ago today her son Sgt. Nick Turcotte died in Iraq.

Please lift up Debbie & family as well as Nick's widow in your prayers.

Nick - I can't express the debt of gratitude I owe you. Thank you for your service.

Here is a memorial tribute video:

SGT. Nick Turcotte Memorial Video

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Life, life, life...

Spent last night and all day at my brother and sister in laws house in Conifer -- to 'supervise' the guys packing up and shipping some of their stuff to Australia. I found it was really sad because most of their stuff is still there but I keep listening for the dog Dakota and Sandy the cat to keep me company but there is no one :( Furthermore, I of course keep expecting Chris and Megan to get here anytime. A year is a long time! and it could be more than that!

Steelers vs. Patriots this week -- biting my nails already!

We watched the movie "Waitress" at movie group on Sunday - and I really liked it... surprisingly much. It did bring me a certain wistfulness, longing and sadness... but overall I really enjoyed it. I thought it was really creative -- although a little too much of a happy ending... Anyhow, I would definitely recommend it.

Negative on the Shelly update to this point... working on it...

Boo to going back to work tomorrow. :(

Yay to Ben Roethlisberger!

Yay to Women's Community group Tuesday night at Starbucks... we are decorating ornaments tonight -- I'm sure they will love us and all of our glitter!

667.

Wow, I needed a new post because that last one was 666.

There are so many things going on and I am either:
1. Too busy to write about them or
2. They're not something I can blog about all public like or
3. Some times I fear I am not being insightful... that I am letting time get away from me.

So many things:

* I am very wistful lately... it seems that whenever a major part of my life changes I end up spending a lot of time thinking about the past and missing those times and those people... Since my job change I have been thinking so much about my Chicago friends and missing some of the fun and the community and talks and laughs...

* I am just growing in my love with my Tuesday night women's group... What a fricking hilarious group of women. I look forward to our time together so much!

* My brother and sister-in-law are moving to Australia. They & we found out about 2 or 3 weeks ago now and as far as I am aware they are leaving in the next 24 hours. Wow. That is so shocking and abrupt. We are excited for them and their adventure but we sure will miss them.

* I am enjoying my new position. Holidays is a busy/crazy time to transition into this role so I am occasionally overwhelmed but overall it is good. I got to sit in on a client staffing with her California social worker and I love getting to learn from those types of experience.

* Tonight I had this wonderful few hours of shopping and errands - spent hours and money and energy planning things for the girls (at work) and then I return full of fun and plans for them - to learn that they had acted out horribly and just been terrible to the staff.... It was really frustrating. Grrr. On a positive note - -I haven't been called a bitch in a few weeks. Well, ok, I haven't been called a bitch - to my face - in a few weeks.

* I love my church... Really. I do. I am so thankful that God led us to The Journey when we moved here. Awesome people.

* We are going to put up our Christmas tree this year. We haven't put it up since we lived in Elgin. That is a ridiculous long time ago! I can't wait. I love decorating for the holidays.

* I have stayed away from politics for SO long but how can I not quote John Murtha when he said, "I think the surge is working." Seriously, how can I miss that? Also, with the presidential election encroaching I am having more thoughts and no place to "put them." So, no - I won't be going crazy with political postings like way back when, as I find that I have moderated in many ways... but there are some things that I get frustrated about and find no safe place to talk about them or just even vent sometimes so that may sprout up.

* I don't have a Shelly update yet...

* SO - I went to jaunt over to facebook for a minute... and then 2 hours later I'm back and have lost any sense of focus or purpose for this post... now (post facebook) I am MAD MAD MAD at drunk drivers, and passionately missing my Chicago people -- especially my small group women. Wistfulness be damned!

Beautiful sunset tonight!

I'm glad none of you saw me when I was taking these! I got in my car and drove to get a good view and then realized I had wasted too much time (you should have seen the sunset about 7 minutes earlier - it was UNBELIEVABLE). Anyhow, so I pulled off on a random corner during rush hour and stood there in my pajama pants taking pictures. Lovely, I know.

P-LPC

FINALLY.
The application fee has been mailed in for my P-LPC -- my Provisional Licensed Professional Counselor license. This has taken forever... thanks to Excelsior's excellent communication... Basically, this could have / should have been done last April or May.

Oh, well. It is on the way now and in 4 to 6 weeks I should have my provisional license.

THEN Excelsior can bill Medicaid for my services so I become all the more valuable... and get therapy hours.

Feels like I am moving forward... sloooooowly... but suuuuuuuurely.

South Park = funny.

"What are you doing?"
"I'm killing you. Unfortunately, I could only afford a wiffle bat so this may take a while."

Ok, so it's waaaaay funnier if you are watching it.

strong team, strong words and strong love!

Way to go Steelers! Amazing!!!

In the interest of giving credit where credit is due... way to go Bill Clinton!

I was reminded by a recent comment that I did not yet post here a very happy Congratulations to Eve and Paul who were married in Las Vegas on September 24th... 2 years from the day they met! Yay! I feel so much joy for them... joy that they found one another and joy for the love they share. They are beautiful people individually and as a couple. Congratulations friends!

slow down!

wow!

Life has gone by so quickly! I need to slow down. Starting the new position is great but it has been all busy, all the time...

Tonight I went out for dinner & margaritas with a current and former 2 coworkers -- fun women! We met at 6/6:15 and sat down to talk & eat. We mentioned maybe seeing a movie later... time went on and we talked, and laughed, shared stories, laughed etc. I thought to myself -- wow, it's probably 9:30 by now - it might be too late for a movie. About this time someone says, what time is it? and it was 11:15pm! It was so strange - a time warp - 5 hours went by so quickly! It was a great experience that I haven't had much in Colorado. Time flies by with story after story, serious discussions and laughter intermingled with thoughts, questions and reflecting. What a great night. Since I couldn't be the place I most wanted to be tonight (celebrating Eve & Paul) I am thankful that I was with these women!

My new job

Really, I just changed positions at the same location: Excelsior Youth Center

I'm in the same cottage (treatment unit) that I used to be in and the new title is "Cottage Coordinator." What that means is about 20 hours of administrative/office etc. and the other 20 with the girls. This is much better than all 40 with the girls...

This job will be better for me in SO many ways:

#1. I actually get to see my husband.

#2. My schedule goes from Wed 3-12/Thurs 3-12/Fri 3-12/Sat 9-5 to...
Tues 9-5/Wed 11-11/Thurs 9-5/Sat 9-5... Only one night a week compared to 3 nights a week…

#3. My relational energy will increase - being down to 2 milieu shifts instead of 4 with the girls will be helpful. I can actually meet people for coffee or whatever since I have the right schedule and some more energy. Also, I will be a better staff member for my milieu shifts.

#4. In this job I will have more freedom to start getting some therapy hours in towards my therapy license… (this also goes with the more relational energy one).

So, I don't know yet when I officially start and change my schedule and all but the sooner the better!

Yay!

A quick post to say that -- Yay! I was offered the position I interviewed for! Of course, I accepted it as well.

More details later - just wanted to share my relief (finally knowing) and joy!

Phew.

Well. Phew. It's over, the job interview is in the past... Ahhhh... Relief.

I think it went pretty well overall. Second guessing myself about a thing or two -- but positive feelings overall. I will most likely find out Monday.

In the whole process I have felt a freedom. When this opportunity came up it made me realize how much I needed a change... some change... so this has put me in a good place. 1. If I get the job -- yay! 2. If I don't, I feel the freedom to move on - look for something else.

Ahhh, relief. Thanks for the prayers and thoughts my friends. I appreciate it more than you know.

nervous.

Very nervous about my job interview tomorrow... well, later today. eeeeeeeeek.

nervous. nervous. nervous.

I can't wait for 14 hours from now - when my interview will be OVER!

Pray for me please if you are a praying person! thank you!!!
(I'll know by Friday or Monday...)

UNBELIEVEABLE!

Wow. Baseball history is being made in Denver!
Amazing... Mark and I just watched the Rockies sweep the Diamondbacks...
once the Pirates and Cubs were out we've been able to be all Rockies, all the way!!!
...and it's been FUN!!!

We're going to the World Series!!!

changes?

So, this week I have a job interview... with my boss. It's just for a different position at my job. I am really nervous about it, mostly because I just can't act fake very well and so to come in and act all official for a formal interview will be a stretch for me. It would be a good change for me for many reasons... better hours (only one night shift instead of 3), less milieu contact with the girls (= more relational energy for me), more chances in my schedule to get in some therapy hours... etc. Mainly, it would be great to see Mark more often... so, we'll see... Pray for me!? Thursday at 3pm MST.

interesting.

68%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

if ONLY I were kidding!

This is embarrassing. Seriously. I hope no one buys these... even in the name of the Steelers... some things go too far.

Baseball and Euchre

Tonight I blog with mixed emotions...

Sadness for my many Cubs fan friends... :( I mourned with you from Denver as we watched during the beginning of Euchre night...

What a fun night to enjoy with and be happy for our many Rockies fan friends... quite an exciting night here as we swept the Phillies in the series!

It would have been way more fun if it could have been a Cubs - Rockies series next though...

Anyhow, an awesome Euchre night for us -- Mark and I played twice undefeated and then faced the other couple who were twice undefeated... and we lost by one... oh well. Totally worth it for the people - new and old...

We are the hem of His robe.

When I first glanced at this article, I liked the title but I skimmed over it and thought... "too long." But then, for some reason I read the whole thing and I love it... I love what it has to say and the visual it gives and the inspiration...

So, I encourage you to take a few minutes - it's worth it...

From Relevant: (boldface / italics added my me)

The woman bled for 12 years straight. Physician after physician shrugged their shoulders. She’d given up all hope of ever getting better. But then she heard about Jesus. The miracle worker. Desperate, she knew she had to get to Him.

As she clamored and clawed her way through the crowd, on her hands and knees, she carried with her much more than her illness. She carried her shame. As if in a bag over her shoulder, she dragged along a heavy burden of rejection and fear. She is referred to as the “woman with the issue of blood,” but her issues ran much deeper than that. Her physical ailment made her an outcast in her own culture. Her emotional hurts and scars were far worse than her physical ones.

Finally catching up to Jesus, she reached out and frantically, yet faintly, grabbed the hem of His robe. Immediately, she was healed. Jesus turned around and faced the crowd.

“Who touched Me?”

She “told Him the whole truth” (Mark 5:33, TNIV). “She told why she had touched Him and how she had been instantly healed” (Luke 8:47). Jesus cared enough to listen to her story. The long version. He just let her talk. He was on His way to heal a dying girl. People were rushing Him. Pressing Him. Insisting He keep going before it’s too late. He silenced them long enough for her to tell her story.

When she finished talking, He responded by calling her “Daughter.” It’s the only time recorded that He addressed someone that way. The love she felt in that one simple word must have been overwhelming. After pouring out her heart—things she’d kept in for so long—He responded with pure affection. Gentle yet aggressive love. If Jesus’ aim was simply to heal her, He would have kept walking after she touched Him. The moment she touched His robe, she was healed. If that was all He was concerned about, He wouldn’t have stopped, talked and listened. But He did all those things. I think He wanted to let her talk. To tell her story. He wanted to call her “Daughter.” For that is when her heart was healed. He wanted to heal more than her body. His aim all along was to heal her heart. When He was talking to her, I can just picture Him looking her in the eyes. And making her look into His. The healing began as, face-to-face, His love was visible, and it resonated within her soul. It broke down walls. Shattered barriers. Smashed through the defenses she’d lived behind for so long. His love broke through with a simple gaze, a listening ear and undivided attention. It wouldn’t have helped that He healed her physically but left her to still carry around the hurt from her 12 years of rejection and disgrace. Despite her physical healing, she probably would have continued to stay holed-up in her house. She would have been the same cowering little girl she had always been, still dragging her bag of shame behind her. But as Jesus looked into her eyes, He saw the woman He created her to be, and He wasn’t content to leave her drowning in her pain. The greatest healing isn’t the miraculous cure of her incurable disease. It is the passionate healing of her heart. And it all began with the faintest touch of the hem of His robe. God’s primary concern is still the condition of hearts. Physical health and a blessed life pale in comparison with a restored soul. God’s heart hurts for our hurting hearts. He still brings love, grace and healing through a touch of the hem of His robe. And we are the hem of His robe. That means we have to move among those who need heart healing. It means we need to purposefully spend time in the slums of our world, amongst those who are downtrodden. Disregarded. Defeated. Discarded. We need to be willing to rub shoulders with the unlovely and the unlovable. We must get down from our high and lofty positions of pride, selfishness and self-righteousness, and mingle with the commoners. After all, we are but commoners ourselves. Commoners that Christ took time for. Embrace what the hem of His robe did for you. Allow God to cup your face in His hands, gently turning it so that you are looking Him full in the face. Tell Him your story, and hear Him call you “Daughter.” “Son.” “Precious child.” Out of the overflow of that divine embrace, you can be His arms to those who need a hug. You can be His mouth for those who need encouragement. You can be His hands to those who need strength for the journey. You can be His light to a world that is stumbling in the darkness. When you truly grasp what the hem of His robe did for you, you can’t help but extend that same life-altering touch to others.

Author: Alece Van Rensburg

Many posts to come... Pittsburgh & the inside of our house...

I have just finished up my 2 months of traveling all over. I am glad for part of it - the fact that I am really tired and things at home don't get done when I am traveling almost every day I am not working! But, it was SO worth it since we got to spend so much quality time with so many people we care about.

I am going to start with our trip to Pittsburgh for Sarah and Brian's wedding... I already put up my favorite pics here but I wanted to write a few random reflections on the trip. Also you can look at my facebook albums from the trip: here for the general ones and here for the specific Sarah and Brian wedding ones. There are some reflections and thoughts that I cannot put out here in public but for the others...

It was a wonderful trip... I loved bringing Mark into some of my growing up memories. Like the day we went biking, hiking and swimming at Ohiopyle - and watched the rafters going down the river. Reminded me so much of the many, many times that I rafted down that river when I was a camper and counselor at the most awesome camp in the work, Summers Best 2 Weeks. Just knowing the Steelers game would be on TV was nice too. I loved celebrating Sarah and the love and life she has found with Brian. Seeing a few high school friends also reminded me of the overachieving high school I went to and how much of a hard time it was for me to choose going to a Christian college instead of applying for the Ivy Leagues as pretty much everyone I know from high school has at least one masters and some have their PhD's. Although I was there for a long time... I still could've spent another week there exploring the old sights and great things about the burgh.

Finally, here are some of the pictures of the inside of our house...

the kitchen

our bedroom

the guest bedroom - for all of our GUESTS - like from Chicago (hint hint)
Someday I need to paint over the stenciling!

the rest of this room is a mess - it's the office - aka "Finns room" since our one cat basically lives there!

Tired but full.

That's the long and short of me right now.

Tired, real tired... but full.

Had some GOOD time with people I love this weekend and returned sad because I miss them but happy b/c of the circumstances and full because of the talks, the times, the fun, the celebration.

More later...

In Memory of Rich Mullins

I can't believe it's been 10 years since we lost Rich Mullins to a car accident in Peoria, Illinois.

This man's music almost literally pulled me through a few times in high school when I was hurting, lonely and depressed... The lyrics and the melodies were played again and again in my room - comforting me after a fight at home.
I remember so many times... laying down on the bus on the way back from ski club (you had about an hour and a half in a bus) and just laying the the dark with Rich's music filling my ears and my soul from my Walkman... Winds of Heaven, Stuff of Earth... great collection... If I Stand, With the Wonder, The Other Side of the World... What a gifted artist.

So many great quotes, words... ideas...

"I had a prof one time... He said, 'Class, you will forget almost everything I will teach you in here, so please remember this: that God spoke to Balaam through his ass, and He has been speaking through asses ever since. So, if God should choose to speak through you, you need not think too highly of yourself. And, if on meeting someone, right away you recognize what they are, listen to them anyway'."

"Jesus, write me into Your story. Whisper it to me, and let me know I'm Yours."

"So go out and live real good and I promise you’ll get beat up real bad. But, in a little while after you’re dead, you’ll be rotted away anyway. It’s not gonna matter if you have a few scars. It will matter if you didn’t live."

Thanks Rich for your ministry and your legacy...

Vote for Matt!

Vote now and for as many days as you can... (if you can vote more than once - I don't know...)

***For Matt Shepherdson to get to sing the 7th inning stretch at the Cubs game. He is one of the 10 finalists and voting goes from Sept. 6th to Sept. 18th***

Vote here!

Matt was on of the worship leaders at Willow for a few years I was there and then he moved on somewhere else and began getting inexplicably sicker and sicker... finally he was diagnosed with MS ... a sad story to see the physical changes and struggles he has undergone. But the spirit is there! You can see it on his video interview when you go and VOTE!

Big Chili, my brother & September 11th...

On Sunday, Mark and I went to the 6th Annual Big Chili Cook Off Music & Arts Festival in Evergreen, CO with Chris & Megan (my brother and his wife). The event is a non-profit benefit for the Colorado Mountain Area Fire Districts. My brother is a volunteer fire fighter with the Elk Creek Fire Department which is one of those districts. Just to brag on him for a second --> he didn't actually tell me but when we house/pet sat for them this month I saw the awards he earned last year for being "Rookie of the Year"... that's a big deal. I'm proud of my little brother! Anyhow, it is a fun event to be a part of and great to support the fire departments.
My "little" brother...
During the closing ceremony where the prizes are rewarded Chris took part in a tribute to the 343 firefighters killed on Sept. 11th... It was pretty moving...

And as far as that goes... I have a heavy heart for another somber anniversary of Sept. 11th...

Always Remember...

had a wonderful trip...

Had an AWESOME trip to Chicago and look forward to posting thoughts and pics about it but unfortunately... our internet at home is down and I can't do all that at work. Suffice it to say for now... I'll be back asap.

lots to think about...

We went to the orientation for Project 1.27 tonight...

Sure gave us lots to think about. It's definitely a possibility, we both felt.

Adoption is such a crazy thing - you could start the process now and then 6 months later have a kid or... 2 years later have a kid. Home studies, background checks etc... wow.

"Religion that God our Father considers pure and faultless is this, to look after orphans and widows in their distress and keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27 (NIV)

Choosing into community.

Tonight I chose into community... it was hard and I am glad.

The last few days have been hard. Depression sucks and it hits out of nowhere sometimes. I told Mark last night through tears that on the way home from work I was wishing I would get hit by a car and die. Sorry, I know that is morbid, but it was the truth. So, tonight (Tues.) we had "Holy Java" and I dragged myself there, even changed out of my pajamas. No one was there when I got there and I was simultaneously sad and relieved. I sat down with my coffee and decided I would wait until 8pm and then leave... and I hoped that if someone showed up, there would be 2 people there, because I was not going to be very good company. Go figure, at 8:01 Cindy shows up and no one else answers my texts asking if they are coming. I am thinking, poor Cindy - well, maybe we can talk for just a few minutes and be on our ways because I will be draining! But, as we chatted and connected I felt energized and my humanity washed over me. It was nice. We were able to talk about a few things that I wouldn't have if there was a larger, or maybe a different group of people. So, I am thankful that I chose into community tonight!

busy.

I'm not sure why I haven't been posting much lately, beyond that I have been busy... I think also that we have been traveling a lot and in fact are planning on doing so again later this week! We are headed to Chicago for a quick weekend. We are excited but there will be so many people we want to see and just not enough time... :( I wish we could transplant all our people to Colorado or Colorado to all of our people...

Mark has started full launch into the new school year - his kids have already been in for 2 weeks. It's sad for me when he starts school again. I got to see him so much during the summer and then all of the sudden it's back to the year where I rarely see him. I am thinking that is going to have to change pretty soon past January. I plan to stay in my job until past the holidays and then... we'll see. But I need either better hours or a closer job... or both. Anyhow, I am just trying to get done what I need to so we can take our trip in peace... maybe finding a rental car... not sure yet.

My phone banner says "i read fiction" This is a a declaration for me... I made it a few months ago when I realized that I just love to read and it is a wonderful escape and coping skill for me... and I have always felt driven to read only non-fiction. Like I have to be learning and learning and learning... so it was like a mini rebellion for me to decide that I was going to read fiction, and lots of it. So, I have been and I am and I love it! Patterson, Baldacci, Grisham etc. Love it!

Go Steelers! :)

pretty big deal...

We are planning on attending an orientation meeting next Wednesday night to learn about Project 1.27 and see if it is going to be a part of our lives... or I guess, if we are going to be a part of it's ministry. It feels like a pretty huge deal to me. At the same time super exciting and super nerve racking...It's a part of a HUGE decision making process for us for sure!...

A Ministry from the Churches of Colorado to the Orphans of Colorado

Our Mission: No waiting children in Colorado Foster Care.

Our Method: Producing successful adoptions between Christians in churches and children in the Colorado Foster Care System. Recruiting, training and supporting Adoptive Families, Support Team Members, Churches, Counties and Sponsors.

About the name: Project 1.27 comes from the Biblical passage in James 1:27 which states: "Religion that God our Father considers pure and faultless is this, to look after orphans and widows in their distress and keep oneself from being polluted by the world." James 1:27 (NIV)

Just the tip of the iceberg...

This is like skimming off the tip of the iceberg...
I'm posting a few pictures to give an overview of the
richness of our vacation time in Pittsburgh.

First us... cause we're cute :) and there way far away on the horizon is Heinz Field -- the home of the amazing Pittsburgh Steelers.


Basically... we're just a lot of fun.


Even though I look like crap in this picture - it is one of my favorites.
It represents a super fun day of biking, hiking, swimming and more at Ohiopyle.


Out at dinner with my parents...


Pretty much my favorite picture of Sarah for some reason...
we're in the limo on the way to the church... (yup, we were for REAL -- goin' to the chapel...)


Sarah and Brian... so cute... I'm a big fan!


Oh my little Sarah... all married. I realized at the wedding -- I have known Sarah for 24 years!!! WOW. We met in ballet class when I was in 3rd grade and her in 1st. so cute.


My other Pittsburgh bridesmaid! Jeniffer Dake -- happened to be in town at the same time even though she lives in Nashville now. What a huge blessing to spend time with her! heart her.

This is the view of the sky from our deck the other morning... beautiful.

Back in Denver

I just got back a few hours ago from a wonderful, whirlwind 10 days... There were SO many wonderful things about our time in Pittsburgh... from spending quality time with close friends I haven't seen in a while to renewing old friendships, to celebrating a loved one's marriage, to spending time with relatives, to having Mark experience parts of many places that were childhood memories... there were so many wonderful things. I'll post more on all that later and share pictures etc.

Returning to work today will be a struggle. I always think it will work for me like it seems to for others - they return from vacation refreshed. I unfortunately feel more like I am returning dragging my feet and still soul weary... Not ready to walk back in to the long hours for crappy pay for getting verbally abused and being on high alert all the time about the words, behaviors and thoughts of 16 "troubled" adolescents in a constantly changing environment and population of both clients and staff.

It was good to come back tonight and come home to four healthy and happy cats who are very needy and loving. Thanks a million trillion billion to Shelly for taking care of them and even giving Baxter his shots and thanks to my brother Chris for cleaning up the cat shit :)

I should be packing, not blogging!

Leaving for the airport to go to Pittsburgh for 10 days in 5 hours! yay!

GOOD.

From Nike: “Nike has suspended Michael Vick’s contract without pay, and will not sell any more Michael Vick product at Nike owned retail at this time. As we’ve said before, Nike is concerned by the serious and highly disturbing allegations made against Michael Vick and we consider any cruelty to animals inhumane and abhorrent. However, we do believe that Michael Vick should be afforded the same due process as any citizen in the United States, therefore, we have not terminated our relationship.”

Also today, Reebok agreed to stop selling Michael Vick-branded products. The company does not have a contract with Vick but has an official relationship with the NFL to sell its merchandise.

random rumblings and... 10 years!!!

I would like to not be so tired. I go through these phases every once in a while... where I am just tired, deep, weary bone tired. It's like I can't catch up. It's a physical tired, but it's also an emotional tired. I wish I could understand this... like, where does it come from? Can I know it's coming before it overtakes me? How do I get out of it? Is it just a phase of emotional/physical tiredness or is it a depression flare up?

Anyhow, all ?'s without answers currently.

Tonight we had our church picnic - we usually have this once a year. It was nice - also, I was talking on the phone for a while with Andrea at the beginning and said "isn't it cute that I go to a church that's so little it can have a church picnic?" Anyhow. Got to meet a few new people and spent a lot of time with one person that was new. She is actually the security guard at the college we meet at. She hung out in the service last Sunday a little bit and someone invited her to the picnic and she came. It was very cool to get to hang out with her and know her a little bit. I didn't get to connect as much with some other people I would have liked to but there is only so much time. I am feeling the need to connect to people on a deeper level right now. Part of it is a longing for the depth of connections/community I had with a few people in Chicago and I think I am just missing that but also missing something connection-wise on a soul level here. That is not to say I don't feel there are people I connect to on a deep level here - I have moments and a few relationships where I can go there, sometimes. But, right now something feels like it is missing.

On a very joyous note... Mark and I are celebrating our 10 year anniversary today! God has blessed me with a WONDERFUL husband. A man that is so giving, fun, intelligent, funny, with an amazing servant's heart and so many other wonderful qualities... I have loved sharing the past 10 years with him and look forward to many more.

This first picture is from our first official date (several months into our relationship!)... This is a throwback to when I first started scrapbooking which thankfully I am now redoing all of these pages... but here for posterity:

Pretty cool picture of a bee I took when we were hiking at Golden Gate Canyon State Park last week...

ohhh.. the misery of missing out.

Tragedy = Rusted Root playing in Denver and me missing it.

Puppy Mills...

Just spreading the word to as many people as I can...

Never, ever buy a puppy from a pet store (or internet site).
Don't buy supplies from any pet store or Internet site that sells puppies.

Here's why:

Watch this undercover video:
http://humanesociety.org/stoppuppymills

Puppy mills are large scale operations that force breeder dogs to produce litter after litter to support consumer demand for puppies. Puppies sold in pet stores or through Internet sites come from places filled with suffering, disease, malnutrition, and loneliness. Even the puppies themselves are often prone to a variety of diseases. Some die within days or weeks of purchase.

It is SO sad to hear or the horrible, inhumane conditions these dogs live in :(
See this page for just a few examples.

The Humane Society of the United States is working to stop puppy mills and they need your help. Please watch this short video that exposes the cruelty of puppy mill dog auctions. Then, you can take action by pledging to stop supporting the retailers that perpetuate cruel breeding practices.

Click here:
http://humanesociety.org/stoppuppymills
Thanks for taking action!